The All-Inclusive Manifesto

Recently just got back from a trip to Secrets Silversands in Cancun, Mexico (the trip was second best thing I got for Christmas), and I left feeling somewhat conflicted about the experience. As a result, I'm giving myself some rules to live by on my next all-inclusive vacation. Please note that not all of the following points are based on my own behavior.

• I will recognize that "All-Inclusive", for all intents and purposes, means "Largely-Inclusive". Regardless of how much the website and travel agents tell me that tipping is "optional", I will bring a couple hundred bucks in the smallest bills I can find because I don't want to spend all freaking week being the only a-hole standing at the bar dying of thirst while 4 or 5 bartenders somehow manage to not make eye contact with me while I am the only person standing there. I will never again be frustrated by generally appalling service on a trip that cost a couple of thousand dollars just to save a couple of hundred dollars. My principles aren't worth it. Tipping in this case is protecting my investment.


• If I am going to Nair my back (which I really should do; other people have paid to come here and see nature at its finest), I will be fully prepared to itch like a mofo when the hair starts growing back in through my peeling sunburn.


• When I first book my trip, I will do some sort of little upgrade. I will pay the extra $200 to be a member of the "preferred club" or to have a swim-out or an ocean-view or something. The way it works is, nobody pays for all of that stuff, so in order to have enough room for everyone they have to bump some people up. They start bumping by who has already paid the most. Not paying anything extra really hurts my chances at a free upgrade.


• I will use the Do Not Disturb sign. Literally like 7 staff members will come to my room every day. They come to clean the room. They come to bring a paper. They come to stock the mini-bar. They come to stock the coffee and snacks. They come to make sure they didn't miss anything when they stocked the mini-bar. They come to turn down my bed. Oddly, they never seem to come when I am at dinner, or even within 15 minutes of each other. I am on vacation. I may want to... take a nap... or something...  that I don't want anyone walking in on. I will use the Do Not Disturb sign. Especially on my birthday.


• I won't spring for the romantic dinner on the beach. It's nice, but not $200 nice, and the food is cooked by the exact same hands that cook the free food. Instead, I will put on some linen pants, order some room service and sit on my ocean-view patio to eat it, then walk down to the beach.


• In certain locales, it is perfectly acceptable (encouraged in fact) to avoid unsightly tan lines. I won't get caught looking and ruin it for everybody.


• I realize I came to an all-inclusive to not spend extra money. That said, taking a day trip to someplace like this might be the highlight of my trip. Not all day trips are worth it (this one was really expensive, but awesome) but I might want to at least LOOK.


• I will spoil myself with a pedicure. I'm not even gonna blame it on my wife. My tootsies deserve it.


• I will leave myself lots of time to check out on the last day, especially if I have charged anything to my room. I recognize that some people will smile at me, tell me my coupons were applied, charge my card in foreign currency, then let me do the math in my head while waiting on my airport shuttle only to realize I was overcharged by like 20% to then have to explain to someone that my coupons really weren't applied and then stand there while my driver (hopefully) looks at his watch while I make everyone late.

Not being one to do all of the work, I've written a few rules for the people I run into when I get back as well.

• When you see me and find out I've been in the tropics. Don't remark on how tan I'm not. You can't expect to overcome years in a cubicle with one week in the sun (under SPF 50 sunscreen).


• Yes, I am aware that is possible to go on vacation and spend approximately 5% what I did. I don't care. I get out about once a decade, and I don't feel like Pricelining my trip and risk ending up in either of these roles.

Hopefully these rules can help you have a great time on your vacation as much as they'll help me. I had a great time, but if I had known then what I know now, it would have been ever better.

Happy Cinco De Mother’s Birthday

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” The immortal words of Ferris Bueller ring true even more so now than they did when I first heard them in 1986. Its funny how daily activities can just pile up on you when you least expect it, and when these activities pile up, they can drop you like a ton of bricks. Last week was one of these times when life kicked me in the pants and told me to slow down.

Thursday marked the celebration of Cinco de Mayo in which my family takes pretty seriously. Ok not really seriously but we do make an effort to at least have some margaritas, go to a restaurant or friend’s house, and celebrate. Also our kids have been learning about it at school and its kind of like another Halloween for them where they can be socially acceptable in a sombrero. We celebrated with my wife’s sister and family at their house. Really quick I don’t want to paint their house as a rodeo or anything, but we have 2 kids & they have 4. So,  any situation with more than 2 kids is, in my eyes, chaotic (rude awakening coming for me in October). So to cope with the inflated craziness of having more children around we celebrated our non-existent Mexican heritage and I ate too much food & probably had a few too many Margaritas..... and white wine. Nothing where I couldn’t get up in the morning but enough to make 6am feel like 4am.

Fast forward to Saturday morning and we are celebrating my youngest daughter’s 3^rd birthday with 17 of her closest friends . Please defer to my ruling on groups of children totaling more than 2. It made my sister in law’s house look like the library. It was madness. Lots of donuts, juice, and coffee everywhere. I was contemplating doubling up on my prescription mood enhancing drugs for the event, but opted not to. I will say that morning parties are waaay better than evening parties when it comes to kid parties. We were cleaned up and all over by 11:30am and had the rest of the day to rest. Not really we had to get ready for Saturday night. Saturday night we went out with a group of friends as we had some folks in from Belgium that we wouldn’t get to see for awhile. So yet again a day of party food and a night of lots of dinner food, and booze.

[caption id="attachment_492" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Protecting my daughter's annonymity"][/caption]

Then we arrive on Sunday. Mother’s Day and my daughter’s actual birthday. Déjà vu all over again. It’s another big day for my wife’s family as we celebrate Mother’s day & 3 birthday parties at the same time. So we have yet again the perfect storm for crazy: more than 2 kids, lots of wonderful food, and a little bit of wine to finish it off.

At the end of Sunday I could tell that I was spent and even more so on Monday at work I was at 75% at best. So, why is it that we cram our events all together or is this just one of those “bad timing” things? I haven’t figured it out yet on either front. I am as social as they come and I do well in situations like these, but I just don’t have the reserves in the tank to keep it going for more than 1 day per week. Don't tell me that I am just getting old and all that because I am probably in better shape now than I have ever been. Also, am I the only one who doesn’t have a “Hey Dude Your Are Full” mechanism when I am at parties? I really think I consume 3 times as many calories via food when I have had 2 or more drinks. I know booze is supposed to inhibit your sensations etc but in all fairness to myself, my stomach just doesn’t feel full and there’s no warning light that comes on when I’ve hit my max. I need some help in this regard. So any advice that doesn’t involve drinking more or taking more medication so I’m not hungry would be appreciated. That's it. I am just trying to find some insight into why we (the royal we not just my family) put so much stuff upon ourselves.


Thanks for reading we've got more good stuff coming out on Friday. 

Apples and Oranges

While we all know that all kids are different, some are even more different than others.

Here is how my 3 year old has recently taken to eating oranges (he is the only one of my children who likes any that aren't canned in heavy syrup).

Pay no attention to the Easter baskets that still haven't been put away.

 He asks me to peel them, and then he just eats them like an apple.

Pretty soon I'm gonna have to just teach him to eat over the sink like a grown man.

The whole thing reminds me of K-Pax. Whatever makes them eat their fruits and veggies, I guess.