Valentine's Day Is Thursday

Here at the Suburban Father Alliance, we like to think of ourselves as above-average husbands. We also like to help out our fellow husbands (hence, the title of this blog post makes no attempt at humor).

Most obnoxious graphic we could find.

When you've been married more than a few years, you have to work a little harder at annual events like Valentine’s Day. A box of chocolates might have been satisfactory when you were in high school. But, for the mother of your children? The woman who puts up with your pathetic attempts at humor? The beautiful face who still kisses you each time you return from a business trip? The cute little nose that has endured years of the world’s worst farts night after night?

Kind of puts it in perspective. She definitely deserves a little more than a box of chocolates this Valentine’s Day. So, what to get her? Here at SFA, we’re always going the extra mile for you. So, we asked each of our significant others for their top three picks in three different categories: gift cards, gifts and special occasion/celebrations (i.e. dinners, outings, etc.). Here’s what they said.

Top Three Gift Cards (Josh)

When I asked Tiffany for her top three gift card suggestions, she came right back with, “Well, for how much?” What? 

“Well, if you’re only going to spend $25, then I’d suggest something different than if you’re going to spend $100.”

Sweet Jesus. I’d never considered that. So, here are her top three gift card suggestions for three different amounts. (And, now I’ll look like a real heel if I don’t spend top dollar. D’oh!)

$25: O.K., you’re a cheapskate. Not a big deal, but you will have to put a little more thought into this. My wife recommends finding a place that she likes, but doesn't necessarily treat herself to on a daily basis. For instance, Starbucks, or maybe Kaldi’s Coffee. (John certainly is a fan.) She likes the double mocha latte with a twist of fanciness, but only splurges a couple times a month? Grab a gift card and let her have a week’s worth of treats. St. Louis Bread is another viable option. Though, it doesn’t have to be food related. Tiffany mentions that Sephora, or her favorite line of makeup, would be another good option.

$50: Now we’re talking a good chunk of cash. For $50, Tiffany recommends a gift card to her favorite retailer. FYI: Tiffany’s is Macy’s. But, she says there’s an ace in the hole if you’re not sure. “I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like Target,” she tells me. And, I thought it was just like Wal-Mart.

Also, Amazon has made it so stupid easy to get a gift card. Just buy one online and its immediately available . Click the link below to show the world of gift cards at Amazon.

Shop Amazon - Holiday Gift Cards - Instant Delivery or Free One-Day Shipping

$100: Alright, big spender. Before you whip out that kind of cash, do us fellow husbands a favor and don’t tell us how much you spent. You’ll just make us feel like jerks. My wife recommends spa services if you’re willing to pony up a C note. She says most of the good stuff, like a back massage, starts around $75. Go the extra yard and figure in a tip. Tiffany’s favorite is Aveda. They have a couple locations in the greater St. Louis area (don't confuse the spa locations for the retail shops). 

Top Three Gifts (Jamie)

If you've come up short on a gift card before (and who hasn't tried a coupon for an "hour of Joey love"*) you may have to bite the bullet and thoughtfully shop for the missus this Valentine's Day.

Make: If you -- wisely -- spent all of the time in your relationship up until now making your wife realize you're inept, it's about to pay off. Almost anything you can make a woman will score you some big time points. Timing projects to holidays isn't only smart, but often you can talk your mate into sharing some of the cost associated with it.

This is not to say that you can half-ass it.You don't have to be great at whittling or backsplashes or even keeping a notebook with a little love note every day for a whole damned year (yep, I'm a big wuss) but you do need to earn an E for "Effort" or you may just find yourself with a C for "Couchsleeping".

Also, it's important that if you do something where in you'll have to tip your hand about what you have in mind you'll still have to come up with a little something to surprise her on that day.

Buy: Have we discussed jewelry yet? Let's. It can be pretty tough to go wrong with jewelry, but it can happen. It has to be expensive enough that she wouldn't buy it at Kohl's to go with a single outfit. If you're going to get her diamond stud earrings but she already has diamond stud earrings, you'll have to go noticeably bigger.

There are a few tricks to do it right. Firstly, try to fill out her collection. Every woman needs a lot of jewelry to round out her collection and to arm her for any evening - look through what she's got, and if she doesn't have red earrings, get her some. No green necklace, buy one. Secondly, if you are going to go for something unique, try to go local. They'll like to have the little story about where a certain piece came from when they get complimented on it. Thirdly, jewelry likes friends. If you buy her a nice necklace, get her a matching (albeit possibly less expensive) bracelet.

Finally, I wouldn't recommend nice jewelry more than once a year, and spread it around the gift-giving holidays or else you'll get dinged for not putting enough thought into it.

The Kiss of Death: As someone who is even able to screw up golf, take my word for it - never buy your wife clothes. Even if they are great. Even if you are 100% sure they fit. Even if she has circled them in a catalog. Never do it. Ever.

Ever.

*Editor's note: Apparently 'Friends' is not adequately archived on YouTube. If you don't already get the reference it looks like you never will.

Top Three Experiences (John)

Dinner

Dinner can be broken down into a couple different categories. Sure you can always make reservations and take her out to eat, but Valentine's Day (much like New Years) is a feeding ground for restaurants to give you a fixed menu and lock you in. Here's how you can avoid that debacle, cook for your significant other. You may end up spending about the same amount as the restaurant but the Status Points you receive from her and her friends will be worth that of 35 dinner outings.

Road Trip

This year V-Day falls close to a weekend. Surprise her & yourself with a road trip to somewhere you've never been. Look at a map and pick a couple spots within a 4-5 hour drive and go for it. If you have kids that are semi normal in the car and can be babysat with a DVD player, bring them along. Let's be honest, if you are married with kids romance has a new perspective. Long gone are the days of roses (they die). But change a poop filled diaper??? That's some sexy stuff. Anyway, where I was going with that was kids can be a great part of your Valentines day and introducing your family to new stuff can be a great way to celebrate.

Nothing
I think this is what my wife will be getting this year... A whole lot of nothing. No kids, no place to be, no rushing, none of that. Just some time to not be a mom and some time to reflect on how awesome of a husband I am without the deafening screams that come from fights about who gets to wear the pink sparkly head band. Peace. And. Quiet. 

There you have it, we just gave you about 95 items you can get for your life partner. Now get shopping NOW so you aren't fumbling like a moron on Thursday morning because you don't have a card.

Ok fine... We'll post about Valentine's Day

Ok today is Valentine's Day. So out of spite and out of cash I wasn't going to publish anything, but then I got to thinking.... (dream sequence).......

1) I haven't been blogging much lately so it will make me (& blogging partner) feel good. So happy Valentine's Day to my ego & Jamie.
2) It really isn't that bad if expectations are set properly.

What I have found is that most people out there are Male OR Female. Pretty observant, I know. but they fall into 2 categories:

1) I hate Valentine's Day (Probably 97% of Males and 15% of Women) and
2) I like Valentine's Day (Do the math).

I get that V-Day, while some may find it terrible, is much needed in a relationship where things are pretty new or you don't have kids and don't need a baby sitter on a Tuesday. But why can't couples just do random crap for each other on the 15th or any other day for that matter?

My wife and I really like each other. In fact you could say we love each other also. What's great about where we are in our relationship is that we know what the other one likes, dislikes, and how much money we have cumulatively. We also know that the 3 kids we have are more fun than a dinner at a restaurant that will be closed in 6 months. We are comfortable where we are with our family and in life in general. So with this level of comfort we've decided to do something cool for V-Day. Something... or Nothing. Doesn't matter. Its not earth shattering I know, but if one of us thinks about getting the other something and has time to get it, great. If not, no biggie.

What sucks for my wife is I don't think I fall into the 2 categories above due to the children in the mix and the fact that I don't give good gifts or plan surprises well. So instead of my wife hating me for it, she accepts it and we go about our merry way on Valentine's Day. Its great. Stress free and wonderful.

So I think I will go home tonight. My wife will go to a meeting after I get home and eventually we'll settle down and say Hi to each other. After all it is Valentine's Day.

Wanted Dead or On Time

Dear Mr. Jovi,

My wife, having grown up largely in the 80s, is a huge fan of yours. As such, I bought her some concert tickets for Valentine's Day -- OK, OK, she picked them out, but I paid for them, and as I occasionally like to say after buying someone a nice gift, it's the money that counts. I was also excited about the concert, having spent way too much of my college and post-college life watching the Young Guns movies, a series in which you've played a part. As far as I can tell, you try your best to leave it out there for all of your fans, so I thought I'd offer a little feedback from one of your biggest fans (by weight).

Let's start -- as the concert did -- with the bad. The concert actually would have started pretty strong if only it had started on time. I understand your time is valuable. I understand that you want to let people who also have no respect for my time show when they will and still make it to their seats in plenty of time for your first raging guitar licks. I understand that every minute you aren't yet on stage you make a killing on concessions and merch. I don't care. Start on time. If you can't start on time, start within 15 minutes. If you are going to wait until 55 minutes after your scheduled start time, either get an opening act or offer me a partial refund. It would also be nice if you would start the concert with a song I had heard of. I know some people had heard of it. I'm not here to represent them. I'm looking out for number one, which in this case was my wife who also hadn't heard that song. I could probably look it up and figure out what it was, but it wasn't good enough for me to care about.

I liked that even in St. Louis they sold some non-
Anheuser-Busch
In-Bev beer, which is always a plus for me. I actually think Brett Michaels may have sold it to me, so plus one to you for staying more relevant. Your second song, "Bad Name" was rocking because I knew it, but fell a little flat because you didn't. I realize you have a lot of songs and lyrics to remember, but you've been singing this one since before the Simpsons went on the air, try to remember the words. Perhaps you just took your pre-trans-Atlantic flight Xanax too early? Either way, the "watermelon, watermelon" routine plays out significantly better in a karaoke bar than in front of a "new attendance record" crowd.

There were some things that were really awesome. When you had everyone sing the first verse of "Wanted" (singing all of the right words) it was really pretty stinking cool. I think it was "Wanted" anyway. It's been like a week.

It was also really, really impressive when you broke into some songs that weren't yours. "Pretty Woman", "Twist and Shout", and "Takin' Care of Business" all added a little something to the evening. And they really, really underscored what a showman you really are.

My favorite part was probably when you showed a montage of YouTube people rocking out to "Living on a Prayer" while you were singing "Living on a Prayer". It was just cool, it showed some fun and some technical savvy. After the slow start (and in spite of the keyboard player whose perm -- and the fact that he still plays the keyboard -- really made it seem like he was still living in the 80's) you brought the crowd to life by working so hard that by the end I was no longer all that pissed off that you started AN HOUR LATE which is no small feat considering how pissy I get about things happening late.

The one thing I can't forgive you for is not bringing along Richie Sambora, if just for I'll Be There For You. I don't care who you brought in to play guitar (he seemed perfectly serviceable), but if you aren't bringing Richie on tour (which I recognize was his own fault), you'd better bring a backup choir to just hit that part after you sing "I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out." It's blatantly un-American to not have that part rock out.

In closing, I'd just like to thank you for coming to St. Louis and rocking it out. But if you ever come back and you start on time I'm going to kill you (because I'm showing up an hour late).

Sincerely,

Jamie

P.S. If you could shave a couple bucks off of the beers that'd be super, too. $10 for 16 ounces of Miller Lite is a little steep for a "working man's" show.

P.S.S. If you ever talk to the girl who was sitting next to me who stood up and danced the whole time, please let her know I'm not mad at her, I'm just old and not a woman and so I wanted to sit down in the seat she was dancing in front of which just so happened to be mine. You can say bumping out a dancing girl ain't rock-and-roll. I'd say $60 for nosebleed seats isn't rock-and-roll either.

This may help you recognize her.

Dude's Guide to Fake Holidays

If you are like me, you haven't bought anything for your wife/girlfriend/partner/whatever for Valentine's Day yet. If you have, your "other" has already hand picked it out and told you to buy it. Sound about right? Well for the majority of us that don't have anything already, didn't pay attention to the clues our wives has subtly dropped since Christmas, and work best under pressure: this post is for you. I am going to attempt to give you some good, last minute gift ideas that you can take care of this weekend.

First off, if you don't pay attention to anything else I say, GET A CARD. Yes its common sense but its overlooked constantly. I think it took me at least 2 years after getting married to understand that no matter what the holiday was that a card goes a long way. Yes, most of them are poorly written and have lots of swirly flowers on them but its the effort that counts. Also, take 5 minutes to actually write something in the card besides your name. Chances are you won't be able to compete with the carefully crafted, sappy poem on the inside, but more than likely your better half isn't going to expect a dissertation on your undying love. Just class it up a little better than this guy. This is easy and is worth more points than you can imagine.

As for gifts, Its probably too late to buy anything online and have it shipped unless you are willing to pay for overnight delivery. Plus, that's too easy. Its about the effort.  So after reading this, get off the computer and hit the pavement.

The gift of Text - I don't care who you are shopping for, but everyone could use a book. Whether your wife likes to cook, decorate, or play Dungeons & Dragons there's a book out there for her. Being that my mother-in-law works for Barnes & Noble, I prefer that store over the others. Also, one of the hottest gifts out there is an eReader. Barnes & Noble has the Nook. It looks awesome and you can have around 10,000 books or magazines at your disposal. Ahem, if any B&N folks are reading this, we would love to review the product for you, ahem.

The gift of Booze - I would like to think I have a good grasp on our demographic here, and I would wager a guess that 95% of you enjoy the devil's brew. So, why not give booze as a gift? I'm not talking about a 6'er of Natty, but a nice bottle of wine or liquor. If you haven't figured out your eternal drinking buddy's favorite bottle, I can't help you. Howeverr there is a win-win scenario for you with this gift. You get to make someone happy (win) and get buzzed (win) at the same time.

The gift of Clean - This one is so simple. Unless you already have a live-in maid, your house is dirty... somewhere. My wife is very particular about how things get cleaned in our house. I have recently been granted my Bathroom badge, but I still can't do the job that she does. That being said, I shed a lot and she gets tired of cleaning. So, if your wife is burnt out on cleaning, call up a maid service and have them get to work. If your house is already clean, her car isn't, guaranteed. Take 20 minutes and run it up to a car wash and be sure to vacuum the inside.

That's 3 easy ideas that will put you in a better position when March Madness (i don't know how to put the copyright symbol here) comes around. Now this being a blog on the internet I couldn't finish this article without giving out at least 1 internet based idea. So, consider this last idea your ace in the hole if you need it.

The gift of Produce - I am legitimately upset I didn't think of this. Fruit My Cube is a weekly service you can sign up for. For $9.99/week you get fresh fruit delivered to your home or office. Its a great way to give someone a year-round reminder of how awesome they are. Disclaimer: this site only services close to St. Louis, MO but I bet there are others like it. If not, you can pay me royalties for giving you the idea for your new business.

Have any other ideas for the Wayward Man? We'd love to hear them in the comments section. This is an alliance after all and we are here to help each other out.

-S