Men of
all ages rejoice. Superhero movie season is upon us!
Superheros
are great. They have tremendous power. Really cool costumes. And never have to
worry about getting mugged if they feel like walking a few blocks off the
beaten path to a nearby White Castle.
Yet, I
often spend a great deal of time wondering how these tremendous super humans do
something that takes up the better half of a dad’s life – make that money and
support those kids.
Here’s a
critical analysis of how I would monetize a superhero existence. “With great
power comes great responsibility.” Yeah, like how to make a boatload of money
without being a huge jerk.
The
Hulk: The most obvious way would be as a literal weapon of mass destruction.
But, how do you ensure the Hulk's rage is directed at this country's enemies?
Would the recent NSA revelation be enough to send the green rage monster to
Washington? (Did I just move up on NSA's list for writing that?) Since the
Hulk's rage is difficult to focus on specific targets, I'd say he's doomed to
live a penniless existence. His only hope is he can make enough money as Dr.
Banner to support a family.
Batman:
You're Bruce Wayne, nuff said.
Superman:
I briefly kicked around the idea of staying incognito and playing in the MLB or
NFL. They may notice something is up when every at bat results in a
baseball-sized satellite. At the very least, they'll test extensively for PEDs.
So sports star is out.
Perhaps
you could get work as the world's most expensive security guard. No more
fooling with Air Force One. "Superman dropped him off," says the
dejected secret service detail head. Ah, but maybe the taxpayers wouldn't see
the need to pay for the World's Best Security Guard. Or, since you are
Superman, maybe your altruistic motives prevent you from taking payment for
doing your civic duty.
Maybe
you'd end up just like Clark Kent -- working diligently at a daily newspaper
office. This may explain why Lois didn't wait for Superman in "Superman
Returns."
Iron
Man: You’re Tony Stark. Shut up.
Thor:
With his ability to conjure lightning bolts, I’d say lightning rod salesman is
a no-brainer. Senior citizen balks at the pitch? You never know when or where
lightning will….STRIKE!
If that
fails, how about the world’s best pawn broker. If he has access to his father’s
treasure room, he’d really only need to sell maybe two things to make $1
trillion. I’d sell a set of overly ornate intergalactic dueling pistols. Maybe
one to Tony Stark and one to Bruce Wayne. (Yeah, I just mixed Marvel and DC.
Deal with it.)
Wolverine:
Here's a real potential for making money. Aside from the on-demand adamantium
claws, you're a normal looking dude, albeit one that recovers from massive trauma
in 0.4 seconds. The obvious route to endless riches is prize fighter. Find a
partner in crime to bet on your behalf, toss in a loss every few years and
you've got a foolproof path to Manny Pacquiao riches.
