Date Night Double Dipping

The missus and I have been pretty busy lately. Two full-time jobs, four kids, and lord only knows how many practices and games and oil changes and dentists appointments and everything else we've got to account for. Suffice it to say, but it's been a LONG time since we've gone on a vacation with the family and a very LONG time since just the wife and I have gotten to do anything with just us.

Last weekend, we double-dipped. On both outstanding needs.

First up, we took the whole family "on a vacation" which masqueraded as a soccer tournament for our oldest. His team was good enough to win that weekend and ended up placing second overall.

Unfortunately when it came time to double dip in some hanging out time with just us, our room had been taken over.

I don't even know where to start with this. Or step, for that matter.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the mother of all those kids had a great idea. Rather than stay in the room and wake the kids up, or head out and risk something going wrong, we just kicked in the bathroom, hotel par-tay style. An extra chair, an iPad with Trivial Pursuit loaded on it, and a hotel ice bucket full of beverages were all we needed to have a great time.

This is not quite 40.

In the end, great weekend, great sporting event, great vacation, AND great date night.

A Man's Fishing Trip ... Sort Of

Hot sauce, pork rinds, hot sauce mixed with pork rinds – it started off as a manly camping trip. 

Then the rains came. The same storm that produced three tornadoes in the St. Louis area hit Rend Lake about three hours later.

Here was the scene: eight men were huddled around a campfire trading jokes, farts and fart jokes. Every 10 minutes or so, someone would pull out their phone and check the weather map, which was followed by 5 minutes of intense meteorological debate.

The phrase “pop-up shower” was tossed around. Another similarly unqualified mind discussed the trending jet stream and how this storm was sure to blow northeast of us. But for one, riding it out in the tents was deemed the manly thing to do. The lone ranger was right.

Around 1 a.m. it started. We scurried to our shelters of nylon, tent poles and metal stakes. After about 5 minutes of sheltering in tent, we started to get wet. Grabbing my sleeping bag and pillow, the first step outside was into a shallow creek. Water Runoff 101: don’t pitch a tent on the bottom of a hillside.

That morning, all eight of us awoke in a cabin that was built for three adults and two children – maximum. Ron Swanson would have been disappointed.

The gravity of the storm began to set in as we examined the damage rendered to one of our vehicles. Though I won’t mention names, it was a rough weekend for BEMM in terms of personal property damage. He suffered another blow when a campfire ember made a nickel-sized hole in his fleece.

Tree: 1    Acadia: 0

If a tree falls in the woods, is there an Acadia around to cushion said fall? 

As the rain continued to pour, we decided to head down the road for a bit of breakfast. It was here we invested 75 cents for a prize from the Good Stuff Mix. Upon further examination, we realized we’d been had. Despite overpaying a quarter for our Domo, we came to love him…for the time being.

As you can see, nowhere on the 75-cent prize card is Domo a viable option.

Yet, for only 50 cents, you're guaranteed one of eight Domos.

Not being able to fish, as originally intended, we decided to head to the shooting range and relieve some of our frustration in the manliest way possible. It was here that Domo got his.

After an hour of paper target practice, we hung Domo from a tree limb about 25 yards out. Using a scoped .22, we took potshots at a quarter-sized piece of Chinese plastic. After about 10 rounds, Domo flew from the limb and was never seen again. (We think he met his fate in a watery grave as the range was littered with massive pools of water.)

The last picture of Domo before he was blown to bits.

About 400 rounds later, we headed back to the campsite to clean up the damage. To our surprise, all of the tents were still on the hillside. I’m not sure if it was the metal stakes or the 50 gallons of water in the bottom of each that held them in place.

Joe later won the "cleanest camper" award, as proclaimed by BEMM. He took two showers during the weekend, which was two more than anyone else.

We made one last go at fishing. After a few (small) victories, we made for the cabin and ate another 10+ pounds of red meat.

It was about now that loading up on burgers and brats looked liked a terrific decision.

Before shoving off the next morning, we made a breakfast that would have made Ron Swanson proud. After cooking 3 pounds of bacon, we fried eggs in the resulting two-inch deep vat of bacon grease. Wrapped in a tortilla shell, the bacon, egg and bacon-grease burritos were culinary nirvana.

Words cannot describe how delicious eggs deep-fried in bacon grease are.

Even though the actual fishing portion of the fishing trip was short-lived, it was a good weekend. I highly recommend a testosterone fueled fishing trip every so often. Between the boasts, farts and jokes, we got to catch up on life. For eight guys who used to see each other every day, it was a welcome reprieve from the daily grind.

Arrested Development Is Back...This Sunday

This weekend, the best sitcom that no one watched is back!

Yes, Arrested Development fans rejoice. The cast is back for a fourth season. All of the episodes will be released at once, only on Netflix. (I think I’ve mentioned my love for Netflix here and here.)

What’s that? You’ve never watched Arrested Development? You’ve made a huge mistake.

Here’s the premise. The Bluth (pronounced Blooth) family builds homes (think McBride & Son Homes in terms of scope, minus the impropriety). In the first episode, the family patriarch, George Bluth, is arrested for a variety of nefarious business dealings.

One of the reasons Arrested Development floundered was its huge cast of characters. Each character is quite complex and multi-faceted.

It only adds to the humor for avid fans. For the uninitiated, it can be tough to keep track of everyone.

If you want to jump right into season four on Sunday, here’s a bit of background on the cast of characters that make this a glorious sitcom.

The Siblings

Michael Bluth: Played by Jason Bateman, Michael is the cornerstone of the series. As the middle son, he’s tasked with keeping the family business afloat, while battling its biggest enemy – the rest of the family. Oh, and he’s a bit of a task master with his son, George Michael. Yes, even the white hat is not without a fatal flaw in this series.

GOB Bluth: The oldest son is played by Will Arnett. A horribly inept magician, he also plays the part of ladies’ man at times. Oh, and GOB (pronounced Job) is an acronym for George Oscar Bluth. Look for the subtle mispronunciations within the show.

Lindsay Funke: Played by Portia de Rossi, she is Michael’s twin sister. She’s married to Tobias Funke. Lindsay frequently takes up a cause, like humane treatment of animals, only to abandon it moments later.

Byron “Buster” Bluth: The baby of the family, Tony Cross plays Buster. Despite being an adult, Buster is a huge momma’s boy who is prone to frequent panic attacks. Note: he’s also missing his left hand. For the full backstory on that, you really need to watch the other three seasons.

The Bluth Banana Stand was the family's first business venture. Selling frozen bananas dipped in chocolate, it's also the only profitable Bluth enterprise.

The Parents

George Bluth: Throughout the series, the father, played by Jeffrey Tambor, is usually incarcerated. Along with embezzlement, he’s accused of doing business with Saddam Hussein (light treason). Most of the time, he’s trying to run the business from prison, despite Michael’s attempts to take over.

Lucille Bluth: Played by Jessica Walter, the mother is a bit of an alcoholic. She’s quite the elitist, often demeaning the help in hilarious ways. Oh, and she hasn’t quite accepted the fact that the Bluth family is in financial trouble.

Cousins and Tobias

George Michael Bluth: Michael’s son is played by Michael Cera. George Michael’s mother died of cancer before the show started. Hence, a frequent plot device is Michael seeking George Michael’s approval of anyone he dates. Also, George Michael is a wee bit attracted to his cousin, Maeby.

Maeby Funke: Maeby is Lindsay and Tobias’ daughter. Played by Alia Shawkat, Maeby has been largely ignored for most of her life by her hippy-ish parents. She also appears to be a bit attracted to George Michael. But, again, they’re cousins, right?

Tobias Funke: Played by David Cross, Tobias was a therapist. Well technically, he was an analrapist (an analyst/therapist). However, he quit the therapy gig to pursue acting, at which he is horrible. Tobias appears to be a homosexual. However, he has yet to come out of the closet.

The Narrator

Ron Howard: Yes, Richie Cunningham is the narrator. It’s perhaps the best narration job since Daniel Stern provided the grown up voice for Kevin Arnold. In the third season, just before the show was cancelled, Howard gets a bit desperate, saying flat out “tell your friends to watch this show.”

FYI: My favorite character is GOB Bluth. For evidence as why, watch Season 2’s “Afternoon Delight.” GOB continually berates the Bluth Company employees by bragging about his increasingly expensive suit.

“Yeah, the guy in the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn’t make that in four months. C’Mon!”