Wednesday, June 26, 2013

A Guide to Monetizing Super Powers

Men of all ages rejoice. Superhero movie season is upon us!

Superheros are great. They have tremendous power. Really cool costumes. And never have to worry about getting mugged if they feel like walking a few blocks off the beaten path to a nearby White Castle.

Yet, I often spend a great deal of time wondering how these tremendous super humans do something that takes up the better half of a dad’s life – make that money and support those kids.

Here’s a critical analysis of how I would monetize a superhero existence. “With great power comes great responsibility.” Yeah, like how to make a boatload of money without being a huge jerk.

The Hulk: The most obvious way would be as a literal weapon of mass destruction. But, how do you ensure the Hulk's rage is directed at this country's enemies? Would the recent NSA revelation be enough to send the green rage monster to Washington? (Did I just move up on NSA's list for writing that?) Since the Hulk's rage is difficult to focus on specific targets, I'd say he's doomed to live a penniless existence. His only hope is he can make enough money as Dr. Banner to support a family.

Batman: You're Bruce Wayne, nuff said.

Superman: I briefly kicked around the idea of staying incognito and playing in the MLB or NFL. They may notice something is up when every at bat results in a baseball-sized satellite. At the very least, they'll test extensively for PEDs. So sports star is out.

Perhaps you could get work as the world's most expensive security guard. No more fooling with Air Force One. "Superman dropped him off," says the dejected secret service detail head. Ah, but maybe the taxpayers wouldn't see the need to pay for the World's Best Security Guard. Or, since you are Superman, maybe your altruistic motives prevent you from taking payment for doing your civic duty.

Maybe you'd end up just like Clark Kent -- working diligently at a daily newspaper office. This may explain why Lois didn't wait for Superman in "Superman Returns."

Iron Man: You’re Tony Stark. Shut up.

Thor: With his ability to conjure lightning bolts, I’d say lightning rod salesman is a no-brainer. Senior citizen balks at the pitch? You never know when or where lightning will….STRIKE!

If that fails, how about the world’s best pawn broker. If he has access to his father’s treasure room, he’d really only need to sell maybe two things to make $1 trillion. I’d sell a set of overly ornate intergalactic dueling pistols. Maybe one to Tony Stark and one to Bruce Wayne. (Yeah, I just mixed Marvel and DC. Deal with it.)

Wolverine: Here's a real potential for making money. Aside from the on-demand adamantium claws, you're a normal looking dude, albeit one that recovers from massive trauma in 0.4 seconds. The obvious route to endless riches is prize fighter. Find a partner in crime to bet on your behalf, toss in a loss every few years and you've got a foolproof path to Manny Pacquiao riches. 

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