Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Wanted Dead or On Time

Dear Mr. Jovi,

My wife, having grown up largely in the 80s, is a huge fan of yours. As such, I bought her some concert tickets for Valentine's Day -- OK, OK, she picked them out, but I paid for them, and as I occasionally like to say after buying someone a nice gift, it's the money that counts. I was also excited about the concert, having spent way too much of my college and post-college life watching the Young Guns movies, a series in which you've played a part. As far as I can tell, you try your best to leave it out there for all of your fans, so I thought I'd offer a little feedback from one of your biggest fans (by weight).

Let's start -- as the concert did -- with the bad. The concert actually would have started pretty strong if only it had started on time. I understand your time is valuable. I understand that you want to let people who also have no respect for my time show when they will and still make it to their seats in plenty of time for your first raging guitar licks. I understand that every minute you aren't yet on stage you make a killing on concessions and merch. I don't care. Start on time. If you can't start on time, start within 15 minutes. If you are going to wait until 55 minutes after your scheduled start time, either get an opening act or offer me a partial refund. It would also be nice if you would start the concert with a song I had heard of. I know some people had heard of it. I'm not here to represent them. I'm looking out for number one, which in this case was my wife who also hadn't heard that song. I could probably look it up and figure out what it was, but it wasn't good enough for me to care about.

I liked that even in St. Louis they sold some non-
In-Bev beer, which is always a plus for me. I actually think Brett Michaels may have sold it to me, so plus one to you for staying more relevant. Your second song, "Bad Name" was rocking because I knew it, but fell a little flat because you didn't. I realize you have a lot of songs and lyrics to remember, but you've been singing this one since before the Simpsons went on the air, try to remember the words. Perhaps you just took your pre-trans-Atlantic flight Xanax too early? Either way, the "watermelon, watermelon" routine plays out significantly better in a karaoke bar than in front of a "new attendance record" crowd.

There were some things that were really awesome. When you had everyone sing the first verse of "Wanted" (singing all of the right words) it was really pretty stinking cool. I think it was "Wanted" anyway. It's been like a week.

It was also really, really impressive when you broke into some songs that weren't yours. "Pretty Woman", "Twist and Shout", and "Takin' Care of Business" all added a little something to the evening. And they really, really underscored what a showman you really are.

My favorite part was probably when you showed a montage of YouTube people rocking out to "Living on a Prayer" while you were singing "Living on a Prayer". It was just cool, it showed some fun and some technical savvy. After the slow start (and in spite of the keyboard player whose perm -- and the fact that he still plays the keyboard -- really made it seem like he was still living in the 80's) you brought the crowd to life by working so hard that by the end I was no longer all that pissed off that you started AN HOUR LATE which is no small feat considering how pissy I get about things happening late.

The one thing I can't forgive you for is not bringing along Richie Sambora, if just for I'll Be There For You. I don't care who you brought in to play guitar (he seemed perfectly serviceable), but if you aren't bringing Richie on tour (which I recognize was his own fault), you'd better bring a backup choir to just hit that part after you sing "I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out." It's blatantly un-American to not have that part rock out.

In closing, I'd just like to thank you for coming to St. Louis and rocking it out. But if you ever come back and you start on time I'm going to kill you (because I'm showing up an hour late).



P.S. If you could shave a couple bucks off of the beers that'd be super, too. $10 for 16 ounces of Miller Lite is a little steep for a "working man's" show.

P.S.S. If you ever talk to the girl who was sitting next to me who stood up and danced the whole time, please let her know I'm not mad at her, I'm just old and not a woman and so I wanted to sit down in the seat she was dancing in front of which just so happened to be mine. You can say bumping out a dancing girl ain't rock-and-roll. I'd say $60 for nosebleed seats isn't rock-and-roll either.

This may help you recognize her.

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