Christmas Card Update

It's been a while since I shared how awesome my wife is by letting us do goofy Christmas Cards, so I thought I'd collect all the ones since the last here for those who haven't been blessed to get one in your mailbox, Feed, or Timeline.

An instant classic, The Island of Misfit Boys. 2013

To celebrate our new house, we went old school and posted an 80s themed banger. 2015

This year we celebrated your Cleveland Cavaliers World Championship with a special (albeit not super creative) card. 2016

For the sake of completeness, here's our first (and plainest) family Christmas Card (2006).

Wishing you and yours some very Happy Holidays and the best of a New Year.

Showrooming online

I'm sure you've all heard of "showrooming", where people walk into a physical store, talk to an expert, try something on, or just hold it in their hands to see what they like, then turn around and order it from an online store for less. I think I may have just taken this phenomenon to the next level. I used an online store to figure out what I needed, then turned around and ordered it from another online store for WAY less.

I was originally online looking for parts for a couple of things. I needed two new top rack adjusters for my dishwasher, so I Googled my model number and searspartsdirect.com came up. They made it super easy to find the part I specifically needed for my model, so I added them to my cart and grabbed a new fridge water filter for good measure. I didn't want to wait (I have a lot of kids, so a dishwasher being down is not good) so I tried to "chat" someone there to see if it was available for pickup locally. 

Naturally that didn't work on my iPad, so I had to log on to a PC (strike 1). Then, while trying to connect back to my shopping cart, I had to switch to compatibility mode in Internet Explorer to log back in to my account -- Chrome wasn't having the login process (strike 2). The customer service rep couldn't see my cart (strike 3) so at the same time I was giving him my parts numbers (a full 30 minutes after I had identified the parts I needed), I was plugging them into Amazon. The parts weren't available locally, but I could do ground shipping for free since my total was over $100 ($107.32 to be exact), but it was already too late. On Amazon, which I hadn't even thought to go to originally, my total was $61.28 for the exact same parts, with free 2-day shipping as part of my Prime membership. 

So thanks, Sears, for being so technically incompetent that I was able to save $45. This is exactly why the old economy will never win.

I'm pooped.

Earlier this week shared an absolutely hilarious post on Facebook. She actually even tagged me and #realwife because the post was about a mishap that occurred involving a Roomba (we have one of those) and the solid waste of their puppy (we also have one of those).  It was a great post, widely shared, and in fact led to some fantastic opportunities to the poster. And this was all wildly hilarious. Right up until it wasn't.

Today wen I got home from work, I smelled poop. This isn't entirely uncommon - we have two dogs, 4 kids, and if we're being honest, they could probably all use a little work. I went to the usual haunts (formal dining room back, by the hutch, or in front of the recliner in the living room) and came up empty. I did notice the Roomba wasn't docked, but again, not all that uncommon - it'll typically get caught on a charging cord or eat a sock. When I turned the corner into the den, I just knew something was wrong. It was quite literally in the air.

And on the ground.

So, so much ground.

No one is getting out early for good behavior.

The Roomba had buried itself under the corner of the sectional, but not until after it had spread the dog's filth across half of the room. Normally this is a 2-person job - one of us would tear the Roomba apart and clean with an old toothbrush, while the other worked the floor. In this case, however, I was on my own, as Becca had spent two weeks on the road for work and come home with a broken hand. I didn't have time to tear into then, so I set up a safe zone in the den, and set about making dinner, packing lunches, and getting kids off to bed with a very poopy Sword of Damocles hanging over my head.

I'll spare you the details (and the pictures) but rest assured the cleanup was exactly as awful as you'd expect it to be. And if you'll excuse me, I'm off to shower forever.

Shouldn't Predictive Advertising Be Better By Now?

It happened again.

I was clicking around the inter-webs, checking prices on daily newspapers. I zeroed in on the Wall Street Journal. Later, I checked my Facebook feed. There it was...and still is.

"You know what would look great with this copy of WSJ? Another copy of WSJ." --Facebook

Through some sort of web browser/source code magicianry, Facebook saw my browsing history and plopped a Wall Street Journal ad in the number two spot on my feed. It's been there for about a month now. Here's the thing, if Facebook or Chrome or whoever does these things is smart enough to see I'm interested in the Wall Street Journal, how did they miss the fact that I actually subscribed?!! And, subsequently, why do they think I'd be interested in two subscriptions?

Here's an even more egregious example of this sort of consumer profiling. I've long been an Amazon Prime member. Love the online retailer. Last month, I ordered a car seat for $150. Like clockwork, Amazon had it on my doorstep in two days.

Why, I ask, can such an ingenious company fail to understand that a $150 car seat is not something people need five of? Yet, it never fails. You buy something on Amazon, and, surprise, here are five more suggestions of the exact type of product you just bought. What?!! I don't need another $100 messenger bag. I chose the one I wanted and ordered it. So, stop suggesting I buy the ones I passed up in the process.

To their credit, Amazon's system is much better with book suggestions. And, they have learned that I own an Xbox One, not a Playstation 4. But still, why is predictive advertising so bad?

The Wall Street Journal is owned by News Corp -- one of the largest publishing giants in the world. So, why is Facebook tossing the same News Corp product in my face day after day? Why not suggest Barron's or a recent book from Harper Collins? Or, here's an idea, why not suggest the New York Times or the Washington Post? (FYI: the Washington Post is owned by Amazon's CEO -- Jeff Bezos.) Different companies, sure, but still, I'm more likely to subscribe to one of those instead of double subscribing to WSJ.

Perhaps one of my more tech-inclined blogging cohorts can explain the mysticism that generates these sub-par advertisements. I just know that Don Draper wouldn't approve of this crap.

Finding the Perfect Razor: Dollar Shave Club's Blades are Freakin' Great

This post submitted by Jamie Oswald.

Here at our little Suburban Father Alliance we take our shaving (or lack thereof) seriously. We've already reviewed for you two mail-order blade options (Harry's and the tastefully-named Dorco) and our final review here is for Dollar Shave Club.

I've actually been a Dollar Shave Club member for a while and I'll never go back to buying blades in the store. The 4X "Lover's Blade" is $6/month for 4 blades and is absolutely as good as the Schick or Gillette comparable. I don't typically shave a whole lot of my face, so after my first monthly shipment years ago I quit the club. Those first 4 blades lasted me well over a year. Seriously. They hold up. Just bought my second pack, and they are as good as I remember.

Go buy some. Right now. Preferably from this link.

What I really want to talk to you about are their One-Wipe Charlie's which are - to put it delicately - butt wipes for grown men. I've never bought them, never tried them, and am fundamentally opposed to their use. Why?

To be clear I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I've never been in a situation where something like that would have been useful. We've all gotten in over our heads at one point or another and I'm man enough to tell you that I'm no different. So while I could certainly have used them before and no doubt would have opportunities in the future, I still don't want my sons growing up in a world where men using baby wipes is the norm. My oppositions run in two major directions.

• How do you carry them around? Is this the whole reason European manbags became popular. Between an iPhone that keeps getting bigger and a wallet that keeps getting thinner -- not to mention a handkerchief and pocket knife because I'm old school -- I've already got enough stuff floating around in my pockets. I cannot fit a tub of wipes in my pocket. And I'm not carrying a murse. 
• What happens when you run out? The last thing we need is large swathes of men who have become reliant on these things. What happens when their pockets or backpacks or fanny packs or whatever run out? I fear for a world where people are chasing the pre-moistened dragon, knocking over baby showers and stealing diaper bags from the playground, all for just one more wipe. 

So, by all means, try the Dollar Shave Club. Heck, try a sample of the Charlie's if they offer you one. FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. But please, please don't make them a part of your life. It's gonna be the beginning of the end. For your end.

Movin' On Up

While we haven't really posted much here lately, and we are eternally sorry for that, things have been a little busy in the last 3 weeks or so. More on that in a bit.

So first and foremost, why haven't we posted much lately? That's the question I've been asking myself. We've been in existence for over 3.5 years and have somewhere around 200 posts. We've covered lots of hard hitting topics from my prostate to a heated beef jerky and bacon battle royal. We've laughed, we've never cried ever, and we've downed some really good beer. We've covered a lot, but mostly its been about our families, the stuff they do, and how we've handled them. Hopefully you've had some good laughs and, dare I say, learned a lesson or two in the process. So, why haven't we posted? While I won't speak for the others, I'll just say that this was once a huge priority in my life. Over time it has slowly been buried under 4 children worth of diapers and softball games. I got busy... and not in the good way, you know... like getin' bizzzaaay.

But the last 3 weeks have been busy in a good way for the blog and have kind of re-kindled a fire in my gut for this blog. Recently I met with InsideSTL.com & CBS Sports Radio 920 here in St. Louis for some advertising help with a side business I own. Great people and there was some great conversation (you should advertise with them). Somewhat in joking I mentioned that their site was missing a huge demographic, Dads, and that they should just pick up the Suburban Father Alliance to fill that void. Oddly enough, they agreed... So, going forward, we will be expanding our reading audience to a lot more people. With the amount of traffic on their site we've got the chance to hit as many readers in a month that we would get here in a year. I'm pumped to see how it goes.

So, loyal readers of this blog, we encourage you to check out InsideSTL.com and look for us (still working on the official name) in the Community section on the site. Visit early and visit often. We will have some new stuff on the way this Friday on InsideSTL just in time for Father's Day.

Pacific Rim Is Quite Possibly the Worst Movie Ever

We recently switched from Charter to AT&T Uverse. And, then went back to Charter.

In short, Uverse’s internet speed wasn’t as advertised. Though, I have to give them top marks for customer service.

Anyhow, when we went back to Charter, I picked up the HBO package. YOLO. (as the kids say) It’s worked out nicely because I haven’t rented a movie in about a year. So, everything I wanted to see a year ago is now popping up on HBO, Cinemax and Showtime.

When Pacific Rim was added to HBO a couple weeks ago, I was stoked. The CGI looks terrific and I figured Charlie Hunnam deserved another chance. I was wrong.

Looks pretty cool, right? Nope. It's 132 minutes of suck.

This was by far one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen – a complete loss of two hours of time.

I’m sure there are fanboys out there who will disagree. Let me go point by point. 

1. Charlie Hunnam cannot act. His only shot at hanging around is if he achieves Nicholas Cage’s level of “so bad it’s good, but it’s not actually good.” 

I'm pretty sure this gratuitous shirtless shot was Hunnam's way of saying, "See, I could have played Christian Grey."

2. The movie is chock full of ridiculous scenes that make no sense whatsoever. For instance, at one point a scientist has filled numerous chalkboards full of complicated math to calculate when the next Kaiju attack will occur. (Kaijus are these huge monsters that are pop up from a hole in the earth and subsequently terrorize urban population centers.) In short, the time between attacks is following a very predictable pattern.

What sort of scientist needs that much math to calculate a basic function such as this? Pretty sure I could of figured when the next attack would occur with Google calendar and a calculator. 

3. To battle the Kaiju, humans pilot massive mechs called Jaegers. It takes two pilots to share the “neural load” in order to drive these massive beasts. The pilots must have some sort of neural compatibility.

How do they test compatibility? By stick fighting of course. Yeah, that’s right. No need for any fancy brain technology. Put a couple potential pilots in the ring and let them stick fight. That’s it. If one wins too quickly, they aren’t compatible. Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

4. Speaking of technology, at one point the Marshall describes one of the latest mechs as having 50 diesel engines per muscle strand. He then proceeds to note another mech is nuclear powered. What?!! Why would they shove that many diesel engines in a mech if they can run on nuclear technology?

5. Here’s the final straw. Within five minutes of the movie, you realize the entire mech concept is completely unnecessary.

So, a Kaiju pops up in the Pacific Ocean. They send a mech to intercept. It slowly walks across the ocean floor, until it finds the target. Once the battle begins, we see that the ion cannon is the key technology when killing a Kaiju.

Here’s my conundrum: technology has advanced to the point of ion cannons and mechs. So, why can’t we deploy the ion cannons via satellite and just headshot these fools the moment they pop up? Boom, no need for the mechs and no need for this horrendous movie.

Now that I’ve sufficiently ranted, I will say the CGI is really cool in this movie. It’s a shame the plot was unbelievable and the acting was B-movie-esque.

If you have HBO, save yourself some time and skip Pacific Rim. Watch the True Detective series instead. Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey are phenomenal.

Double Duty

I said duty... Seems like lately we've been doing some shaving talk on here. Whether it's not shaving in Movember or reviewing razors, we've know our way around a pretty face.

So, recently, I had the opportunity to test out the Schick Hydro. I was lucky enough to get 2 free samples of this product as part of a promotion on Crowdtap. Side note: I should do a blog on Crowdtap. They are awesome. But  digress.. I gave one of the razors to my neighbor and I was ready to start this new shaving challenge.

If you aren't familiar with my face, I have kept it pretty consistent for the last 2 years in the way of facial hair. I keep a short beard and when it get's long enough to be annoying I trim it down and the circle of beard continues. I keep my neck closely shaved and life is pretty good. I shave in the shower because I feel this gives me the lease amount of irritation. However, some issues arise and I have to manage a couple different shavers in the shower. I've gotta get the beard trimmer out when I want to knock down my beard when it's too long. It does a great job but it lives on dry land and I don't want to mess it up with the shower going. I'll trim up the beard in the shower, cast it aside to it's dry dock, and then start the water and the rest of my shave.

The Hydro that Schick sent me pretty much solves this problem. (Check it out on the left). This bad boy is known as the Hydro 5 Groomer and it is amazing. I've got a pretty awesome razor to shave my neck and now I just flip it over and there's this magical groomer that can trim my face however I want it with the water running. The Trimmer on this works just fine. I don't keep my beard long enough to fully utilize the guard on it. I like that it's pretty small to get in places that are hard to reach, and it's got enough power to navigate through my rugged manly face hairs.

What is kind of overshadowed by the cool trimmer is the actual shave you get with the Hydro 5 side of things. The shave is great so far. The shave is close, smooth, and just short of mystically epic. It is a great shave.

So, as always, the SFA doesn't get any money for this. So, you can Google search for it if you want to buy it. I did put together a quick Amazon link below. Regardless, you can find it there for purchase (which you should).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HT6E2PW

Boiling Point

That's rusty water and calcium all over the place

Recently, I've had some unfortunate circumstances occur with my house. It is and on-going ordeal that involves a 31 year old water heater, a Home Warranty company, my insurance company, a restoration company, a construction company, and 3 different plumbing companies. It is still going on after almost 2 weeks but I am finally at a point in my sanity that I can write about it without insulting any of the companies above.

I received a call from my wife that our basement was flooded potentially from a toilet. After racing home, and squishing through some wet carpet, I discovered that my bathroom, while having an inch or 2 of standing water in it, was intact and it was my Hot Water Heater that was the culprit. It was the original hot water heater in the house and was 31 years old. It died a death where the water inside had finally rusted a hole through its steel chassis and relieved all 55 gallons of itself in my basement. Funny enough, it was right next to the basement drain, but absolutely zero ounces of water made their way there. Instead the water found refuge in my finished area... the carpeted part... where my kids like to play... where we can't hear them and it makes the house quiet.

The current state of hell that is my basement

When surveying the impacted area, it was very real to me that I had no idea where to even start with this. I called a few restoration companies and finally settled on one that didn't work for/with the insurance company, and would fight for me if need be. So, within a day or two, a claim had been filed with my home owners policy and the drying had begun. With that issue being taken care of now, I could focus my time on getting hot water into my house so my wife and I didn't have to drag our 4 children around to random homes asking for running hot water.

We had moved into our house a little over a year ago and we purchased a home protection plan. You know that thing you never use the first year, but need after it expires... Luckily, we decided to renew the plan when it was up and are covered (in theory). Working with this home warranty company is where I am going to take this post. I'm not going to go into the 30 or so calls I've made to them, their utter lack of response, or pretty much their desire to do nothing to make my situation right. That post would take about 17 pages and I'd get frustrated. I'm going to take this post to reflect a little bit at how angry I got at people. Why did I get so angry?

I'm not a mean guy. I might tell my kids they can't watch TV or have dessert some days, but not mean typically. I turned into a mean guy with this experience. I yelled at people. I insulted them. I didn't like it and I felt terrible after scolding people on the telephone. Even the one person that cared to call me back, I wished that she find a new job because her company was that terrible. But why did I get so angry?

It was baffling to me that when I started dialing the number to the Warranty company that I could just feel the anger growing and it didn't matter who answered the phone, they were going to get it. After about 4 days of this, it had impacted my life outside of the basement. There was added stress at work, at home, everywhere I went.

Finally on day 5 or so, I made the affirmation that I was done being angry about this and getting it resolved without yelling was the priority. And with that small change of perspective, life got better and things started moving in the direction of fixed. It was pretty cool. I've never really been one to look at a situation other than the way I saw it and I've surely never changed my attitude in hopes things would be better. I've always just gutted a situation out and moved on.

Anyway, this post probably has no meaning to you or you life but has been a good dump of my brain to sort of recollect my feelings and what made them better. So stay positive WOULD YA?

Just keep in mind that if you do purchase a Home Warranty and need to use it, it might not be be as straight forward as you would think, but give them patience and take some breathes and it might work itself out in the end.

Am I Becoming a Blender Snob?

Almost 10 years ago, my wife-to-be and I created our wedding registry.

Like true, non-domesticated idiots, we registered for some stupid stuff. We chose some oblong plates that have a tendency to push any liquid toward the middle. So, if we're having a steak, vegetable and baked potato, everything is soaked in meat juice about 10 seconds into the meal. (I honestly don't mind. She does.)

While perusing the small appliances, we dutifully scanned a blender. It was an entry-level $25 model. Not a fan of margaritas (I had to look up how to spell the word just now), I couldn't see myself ever needing a blender.

Over the years, the blender bit the dust. It was probably because we used it more as a food processor than actual blender. Not a big loss in my opinion...until now.

Last month, I read an article in Businessweek. It was about Vitamix blenders and how they've become all the rage among affluent health-conscious, smoothie-consuming adults.

Hey, I tend to think of myself as health-conscious. I want to be affluent. Smoothies sound delicious. I shared my dreams of being a smoothie hippie with Tiffany. She scoffed at the idea of shelling out $400+ for a blender.

Before

Then the perfect blend of smoothie components hit at just the right moment. First, I checked around online and realized the Ninja blender comes close to the Vitamix in blending affluence at a fraction of the cost ($99 vs $400).

Next, on a whim I bought a smoothie at an airport smoothie bar. It was delicious. Finally, Tiffany tried making a milkshake last week with a cheapo replacement blender and was disgusted with the results.

After

We are now the proud owners of a Ninja blender. Yesterday, I tossed in a couple of oranges (cut into about eight pieces), three scoops of orange sherbet, a handful of frozen strawberry slices, two cups of juice and two cups of ice. After about a minute in the Ninja, we were enjoying high-quality airport smoothie bar smoothies.

The Wolverine glass adds an extra bit of affluence. (I'm just showing off at this point.)

As we push into the green, healthy smoothie game, I can't help but wonder if we should have spent the extra affluence on the Vitamix. The three-blade design of the Ninja blender is impressive, but people speak about the Vitamix in hushed tones. I feel like we need to own a blender that's discussed in hushed tones.

One sip and he said, "Oh, I like this!"

Anyhow, if you've got some smoothie tips, please share them with us. We're complete noobs here. Also, don't bother plying me to go with non-GMO, organic ingredients. I'm a blender snob, not an ingredient snob.

Doing the Disney

Since I first became a father, I've told my wife that due to a myriad of reasons I'm going to go to Disney exactly once. She's welcome to take the kids back on her own, but I'm only doing the death dance with the mouse one time. Last week, it was time to pay the piper. I'm going to spare you all as many of the gory details as I can, but wanted to hand out some information for those of you who may be willing to let Central Florida make the beast with two backs with your wallet.

Souvenirs

Every ride at Disney dumps out into a gift shop, which is brilliant if you own Disney stock. I don't (although I may have an honorary share now). A friend gave us a great tip to save a little cash and crying and to tell your kids they could look at souvenirs all week but you would only buy stuff from the big store at Downtown Disney at the end of the week. I took a lot of pictures of kids with souvenirs all week, and then at the end of the week we gave each kid an allowance to spend at the big store. If you spend enough, they'll actually ship all of that stuff home for you, but our little soldiers wanted to bring it on the plane.

Time of Year

We went in February, which is considered off-season because it is one of the only one months every year that Florida experiences anything approaching "winter". This seemed like a very small price to pay when we were shooting through all of the rides without standing in a single line (the only delay was the distance you had to walk from the entrance to the attraction to actually board the ride). It seemed like a bigger price to pay when a third of your foot is blistered because you've been rocking soaking wet shoes and socks for three straight days.

Saw a lot of this.

In short, off-season is fine if you are prepared. The weather forecast we looked at before packing was 20 degrees off the entire time we were there, so we were not prepared.

Fast Pass

As stated, we were there in torrential rain the slowest week of the year, so often we didn't even use our Fast Passes. As soon as the sun came out, however, these were critical. It's worth investing a little time into this to make sure you are making the most of this.

Dining Plan

You will buy the dining plan, and you should. On your first day, you'll have no idea what is going on, and it will seem confusing and like it isn't worth it. By the end of your trip you'll be flexing it like a coupon mom and looking back at all of the money you saved. Pro tip: throw a couple boxes of Pop-Tarts in your suitcase for breakfast, which isn't included and which no one cares about.

The Food

I hear a lot of people talk about how great the food is at Disney. I didn't really feel it. Everything was competently made, I didn't hate anything, but I certainly wasn't blown away by anything either. It was all overpriced, but not painfully so (somewhere near airport, well below ballpark) and there was typically variety. The kids meals had relatively healthy choices (grapes and carrots were as ubiquitous as fries) but very limited choices. I was especially disappointed that in Epcot even though I could get a pretty decent Middle Eastern meal, my kids were stuck with chicken nuggets (which they dipped in my hummus).

Work on your upper body strength before heading down there.

Staying Onsite

We bought a package which made staying onsite a breeze. We flew into Orlando, got on a bus, went to our resort, checked in, our bags showed up a while later, and we were off to the park via a bus. I didn't have to worry about renting a car, or parking (which still requires a bus to get to the park) or figuring out a different hotel. Unless you are planning on doing stuff elsewhere, this is the way to go.

Pop Century

This is basically a dorm. I'm not entirely sure my wife and I could have laid shoulder to shoulder in the same bed. Also, combined shampoo and conditioner. Also, no pool towels. This was the cheapest place to stay at Disney, and it showed.

Booze

By the end of every day you'll be craving a beer. Have some, but don't get wasted - you'll have to be sober enough to get your kids home on the bus safely (which isn't hard), you'll be so tired you'll fall asleep anyway, and you don't really want to spend anytime here hungover. The exception? Epcot, which has beers for every country and very slow rides.

Alternatives

I wouldn't say I enjoyed myself. There were moments (taking two steps into the park our first day and watching the kids faces light up because we walked straight into a parade, my little princess meeting her first princess, etc.) but honestly I'm not all that convinced my kids loved it. Oh sure, it was better than sitting at home and hanging out in the basement (it's been a long winter) but I think if I gave them each $40 and let them loose in the arcade/food court at the mall they'd have been almost as happy.

$20 worth of tattoos made my kids happier than the thousands I spent getting them there.

As a parent, you're still obligated to go, but don't feel like a failure if you don't love it. Or at least don't feel like the only failure.

Mixed Marriage: Android & iOS7 Users

Cats & Dogs living together... MASS HYSTERIA!!!

So fellas, I got a good one for you. If you choose to use this little nugget of tech talk for good or bad, that's on you. Also as a side note, I'll warn you that I haven't researched this too much, but enough to know it's a documented problem impacting many Americans in a mixed marriage where one spouse has an iOS device and the other has an Android. One of those Americans is me. My wife likes the simplicity of iOS devices and all the other moms have them. Me, well, I like Google. My stuff is with them and I subscribe to just about every product they have (except for Glass because $1500 for a pair of non-prescription glasses is dumb). Also as a side note, our AppleID is under my Gmail account... but I digress...

The Issue:
Android devices cannot receive text messages from iOS7 devices (iOS7 devices can still receive from Android). Yep you read that correctly and you can see the potential for disaster. Also, as a small business owner this concerns me as my customers sometimes will just text me an order and I could be missing those orders.

Imagine if you will (dream sequence)*....
Android Dad: Hey honey can I go to Happy Hour after work?
iOS7 Mom: Tonight is bad, Sally has a soccer game, Jimmy has tutor, and someone needs to stay home with the baby....
(text never received by Android Dad)
Android Dad: Honey I haven't heard back from you on this. I'll assume no news is good news and I'll be home by 8pm
iOS7 Mom: Didn't you get my last message?!?! tonight is bad. I need you home!
(text never received by Android Dad and Android Dad proceeds to Happy Hour)
iOS7 Mom: WHERE ARE YOU?
(text never received by Android Dad and Android Dad still at Happy Hour balling hard)
iOS7 Mom: WHERE ARE YOU? SALLY IS STUCK AT SCHOOL!!!
(text never received by Android Dad but Android Dad decides to leave Happy Hour early and get in good graces with iOS7 Mom)
Android Dad: On my way home... early. See how much I love you?
iOS7 Mom: F-U
(you can see how this is going to end when Android Dad gets home)

So, guys there you have it. It's real, it's out there, and I am sure there's some poor Android Dad that is reading this in the proverbial doghouse... on his Android.

*any names or descriptions in this dream sequence were purely unintentional. And no, this hasn't happened to me and my wife

The Solution:
I've been reading about 6 or 7 different forums on this and the solution isn't very clear. Of course I am reading Android forums and all of them hate Apple. So reading through that is a bit troubling. I'm not sure where the "fault" lies on this, but I just know there's 2 Behemoth companies that probably won't be racing to help find a solution. However, the solution that I am trying to make work is the following from forums.androidcentral.com:

1. Apple ID is stored in two places: App Store and iMessage separately, log out of both on ALL iOS devices in settings>app store and settings>iMessage.
2. log in to https://appleid.apple.com and change your AppleID to a NEW email address
3. remove your cell phone number from the apple ID
4. log back into all iOS devices using new AppleID and deselect the cell phone number and old appleID email address. check the new email address (New AppleID)
5. Once you do this on all devices your texting will resume to normal. Remember iMessage can be used with email address or phone number that why it is important to get rid of all devices. Leaving just one will screw it up. 
6. Once all devices are logged into the app store and iMessage under the new AppleID texting should resume normally.

I will follow up with everyone on this and let you know if it works.

What can you do to help?

Seriously if you hate either one of these companies, post your comments on a different blog. What you can do, is share this post with people you know. As texting has become an integral part of the way we communicate with others (right or wrong), this issue should be addressed and it could help resolve a ton of problems for Mixed Marriages and Businesses.

Christmas Sucks for Grown Ups

The wife and I really spoiled ourselves this year for Christmas. We spent close to $1,000 on gifts for each other.

Anyone care to guess what we got each other? If you guessed an Xbox One, a Coach purse and designer boots, you’re dead wrong.

Nope, we lavished ourselves with a new set of tires for our Nissan Sentra. A gorgeous new garbage disposal. And, tomorrow, the overhead door repairman is coming to install a new spring so our garage door can raise and lower again! Merry Christmas indeed!

Four new Cooper tires! Merry Christmas to me. What's worst than having to put new tires on a car? Putting them on a car you want to get rid of.

In all seriousness, a good portion of our Christmas budget was eaten up by these unforeseen expenses. It adds up to this, Christmas sucks when you grow up.

Clark, that there is a Badger 1/2hp disposal. 

The icing on the cake was catching the 24-hour stomach bug on Dec. 23. That threw a huge monkey wrench in our plans. We spent hours preparing the house for a Christmas Day dinner for Tiffany’s family that never happened.

On a good note, Linus didn’t catch the bug. We considered that a huge win considering how much time we spent in the bathroom with fluids spilling forth from our various bodily orifices.

Ahh, to be young again. A week plus off of school, holiday parties with friends, gifts you didn’t have to pay for in reciprocal gifts, dinners you didn’t have to cook, turkeys and hams that didn’t need buying, cleaning that mom and dad took care of. All I want for Christmas next year is a time machine.

In all seriousness, Linus really enjoyed Christmas this year. Next year, the Santa frenzy will be amped up even more. I enjoyed watching him have fun this year. I was especially proud to hear him say “Tank you” after opening a gift.

I hope your holiday season was a little more relaxing. If not, take joy in the folks who are blissfully unaware as to how much work goes into Christmas.

What are Jomers?

It has been well documented on here that 1) I like pants and 2) we don't make any money with this blog. And this post will continue that theme. However, it's not really all about us here... except for most of the time when it is. Anyway, with the holidays fast approaching I wanted to drop a quick plug for a new up and coming company that's re-evaluating the fashion industry and the pretense that all articles of clothing should have a base price of $100 (or more). So, say "Hello" to Jomers.

Don't these pants look inviting?

Jomers is built on making quality American-Made pants without charging an arse-load to get in them. The business model is simple: Keep margins low and Customer Service high. Repeat. Seems pretty simple. So instead of just paying for a brand name, you are actually paying for the goods & service behind them. It's like  a 2 for one special.

Ok, so you are now assuming that I have been granted pants for life by writing this. You are incorrect. In fact I don't own a pair (yet). I'll be purchasing a pair with my own money here shortly and will be sure to report back on my findings. In the meantime, just go buy some.

Pants are fun.

Your Prostate Can Thank Me Later

If you've followed the blog for a while, you know we have some issues with our facial hair. We also have issues with our prostates. This makes a deep run into Movember (or even no-shave November for the uncultured among you) a forgone conclusion. John recently gave his status, so I thought I'd catch you up on my progress.

November 1 - It's the final countdown. 

Much like every month, I just let my beard grow until I start looking like a hobo (I do have a job after all, and the missus doesn't exactly have a drifter fantasy). Then I get a haircut, trim my beard all the way down, and start the vicious cycle all over. For this year's Movember I decided to have a little fun and actually cut down to an honest-to-goodness mustache.

Went with the goatee in between. 

About this time I realized I had a lot more neck/chins than the last time I fully shaved. The last time I went all skin-faced, my current wife and then girlfriend said, basically, that if I ever did that again I'd be staying in a motel until it grew back. So this time I decided to leave some handlebars.

You know, tastefully.

And just for the weekend.

Because - based on the wife's reaction - the next time I try this, I'll be staying in a motel until it grows back.

For all of your trucking needs.

C'mon people, let's not waste this disturbing opportunity. Get out there and sign up for info, donate to the cause, and encourage your doctor to go ahead and drop a digit to save your life.

Turkey Rant

Every year about this time I get fed up... with Christmas. You mean the holiday that comes AFTER Thanksgiving and it's not even Thanksgiving yet? Yes, that one. What gets my gravy boiling is the opening of stores on Thanksgiving Day,the most family friendly day of the year. It pulls people away from their families and completely nullifies the entire spirit of the Holidays.

I was at my in-laws last night and the topic came up. See, my Mother-in-law works part-time at Barnes & Noble in a mall. She sees it every year and luckily B&N is closed on Thanksgiving. However, opening the next day at 5am isn't much of a consolation prize for the workers. So during our conversation last night a great point was made by my Mother-in-law. If the customers wouldn't fall for these limited time deals, stores wouldn't have to open. And that was just it... The stores can only be blamed so much for being open, having no morals, and not caring for their employees' families. If consumers wouldn't act like brainless neanderthals when trying to save an extra buck, would the stores be open? And God forbid, what if no one lined up outside a store?

So it got me thinking, Why do people act like complete idiots, disregarding family, budget, and (sometimes) physical well-being to get a "deal"?

• Is it our innate hunter-gatherer make up? Doubtful, we are aren't getting a deal on a Turkey and our families typically have enough food in the pantry to get by. 
• Do we actually need what we are buying? No. At the end of the day, and if your TV goes out in April, you'll just buy another TV. You won't wait until November.

So what is it? Well, I think it's a bunch of stuff that I'm sure a psychiatrist could better explain, but in lay terms, it comes to two things:

1. Some people strive on competition. They have to be the best of the best when it comes to certain things. They live for the rush of beating someone to the finish line, or iPad in this scenario. If they could just get the same rush from hanging out with loved ones...
2. People like to brag about how much more awesome they think they are than you. So, while you were schlepping it and playing cards with your family after Thanksgiving dinner, somebody way cooler than you was out getting a deal on a Kindle and will then have no problems posting it on Facebook to prove their awesomeness.

So there you have it. If I offended anyone by suggesting that spending time away from your family and in-turn making people work on your behalf is a bad thing, so be it and enjoy your new TV.

Justin Timberlake, Still Bringing It Back

Although I'm not what you'd call an avid concert goer (my last one was 2011), I do enjoy a good show, especially on the cheap. The missus was fortunate enough to win some concert tickets to the Justin Timberlake 20/20 Experience tour, and wasted no time letting me know just how excited I was to get to go with her to it. I was a little skeptical, but I obliged.

I still miss you, Simba.

The first thing I noticed actually happened hours before the concert. Facebook was straight blowing up with almost every 25-45 year old woman I knew in St. Louis talking about going to the concert. This was promising to be a cougar convention for the record books, and it did not disappoint. I'd estimate that 80% of the attendees fit the Courtney Cox Arquette-type. It was like a wedding where every guest was a drunken, single bridesmaid.

And an hour after the concert was meant to start, JT took the stage and you could simultaneously feel all of them going through puberty all over again. And that was before he entered the audience.

You know, on a floating stage thing.

We're lucky more ladies didn't slip.

The most interesting thing about this show was that it was a concert that wasn't even remotely about music. Just about the only time people sang along was when he belted out Bel Biv Devoe's Poison. Every other time he encouraged St. Louis to carry the chorus, St. Louis just sort of looked at each other like "we didn't know there was gonna be a quiz." Every one there was there to watch him dance. And dance he did.

He went on for 3 full hours and miraculously didn't even pit out his "Suit and Tie S*it." Speaking of sh--, he tried really hard to be grown up. Some full frontal on the jumbo-tron (not him), a bunch of swearing (where he sounded like the sort of person who doesn't do a lot of swearing). I'm sure this thrilled all of the parents who brought their pre-teens. Regardless, it was a great show. He's an entertainer.

Movember Update

Where is this mustache taking me?

Great news everyone. I have a mustache. Not just some barely-there, fly by night, wispy hair thing. Its a fuzzy caterpillar below my nose. And I've noticed two things carrying it around with me. People will stare and people will ask questions. So far my favorite question has come from my boss. She was gone for the first week of growth and when I walked into her office, she said "Now this (pointing to her upper lip)... Is this on purpose?"

Now most self-conscious people would take this as an insult... However, I took that opportunity to explain to her the whole Movember movement, about how men's health isn't just a magazine, and why the cause is important to me. Since then, I've had similar questions and it felt great to explain why I'm doing this have chosen to look like Tom Selleck.

So now that we are fully engaged in the month, I'm gonna do something I've never done to the blog audience, sign up online and make yourself aware of some of the issues that face today's man. You can join my "sub-team" under the mothership of the Midwest Mustache Alliance (more on them later). If you want to donate money, great. Please do, but just signing up means a lot. It means you care enough about men's health issues and want to do something about it.

Now, as mentioned before, go check out the boys over at the Midwest Mustache Alliance. they've teamed up with a couple of organizations that are offering some Movember goodness.

Moustaches and Men's Health

It's Fall, there is a nip in the air, the leaves are changing, and urinating outdoors isn't as easy to do with gloves on. One way men acclimate to the plummeting temperatures is growing out a beard to cut the bite of the air. Well, to those men (and to the closely shorn too) I ask that you maybe you reconsider your faces for the Month of November and go all MOvember on it.

What is Movember? Its a month to raise awareness for Men's Issues.

Specifically:
Living with and Beyond Cancer
Men living with prostate or testicular cancer have the care needed to be physically and mentally well.

Staying Mentally Healthy, Living with and Beyond Mental Illness
    •   Men are mentally healthy and take action to remain well
    •   When men experience mental illness they take action early
    •   Men are not treated differently when they experience a mental illness

Men's Health Research
We will fund innovative research that builds powerful, collaborative teams that accelerate:
    •   Improved clinical tests and treatments for prostate and testicular cancer
    •   Improved physical and mental health outcomes for men

Its also an opportunity to grow a sweet lip sweater.

So, with that I (John of the SFA) am pledging to be on board with the MOvember movement. And furthermore, the SFA is teaming up with the Midwest Moustache Alliance to help spread the word here in the heartland of America.

So, in the next few days & weeks, we'll be doing some cool stuff. We hope you can follow along, get yourself educated about your junk, and possibly grow out the whiskers under your nose. We'll ask for your money later.

What's the Deal With Cartoons These Days?

We’ve been watching a lot of cartoons around here lately.

As my brain absorbs snippets of animated goodness here and there, I’ve noticed a few things. First off, where the crap did all these cartoons come from?

Growing up, we were lucky to catch the few hours of cartoons every Saturday morning. Even then, a 30-minute show was more like 10 minutes of actual show with all the commercial time. (Remember the animated X-Men show? That was the worst when it came to commercials.)

Ahh...the 90s X-Men cartoon was the best. Who cares you only got about 10 actual minutes of show time with all the commercials? We were learning an important lesson -- delayed gratification.

Tiffany informed me there’s some new law where networks aren’t allowed to inundate children with commercials during certain hours. Instead, there’s a PSA, like look at this good boy making his bed, every 20 minutes or so. Even then, the PSAs are about 30 seconds. Why didn’t my congressman care to protect me from rampant commercialism when I was a child?

With Charter, we have seven (SEVEN!!) channels that play cartoons/kids’ shows all day long. That’s not even counting on-demand and Netflix.

That said, I’ve noticed a few trends with today’s cartoons. I could be wrong, but things seem more outlandish. Here are a few examples.

Rolie Polie Olie

I'm not even sure what this show is about. All I know is "Winky Ball" sounds dirty.

I was checking email one morning when my subconscious picked up this little gem from “Rolie Polie Olie.” Apparently they play something called Winky Ball in this show. Olie was a bit distraught about the upcoming game. Here’s a direct quote.

“I’ve been winked the last 15 games straight. I don’t want mom and dad to see me wink out again.”During the exchange, Olie is speaking to his grandpa, who comforts him by revealing that Olie’s dad has the longest wink out slump ever.

Is it just me, or is there a bit of innuendo here? Couldn’t they have gone with a better name than Winky Ball? I’d assume baseball is the closest sport to Winky Ball. Still, in baseball, you don’t “base out.” Nor do you get “based.”

Jake and the Neverland Pirates

Clearly Jake uses a lot of hair gel. Wonder where pirates keep their gel? I'd keep mine by the barrel of oranges for scurvy prevention -- you know, in the "essentials" area of the ship's hold.

Ah, Disney’s Peter Pan spin-off. Though it’s been watered down significantly.

For starters, Captain Hook is less of an evil nemesis and more of a bumbling distraction. (More on the watering down of bad guys later.)

Next, Jake’s sword is wooden. C’mon! In one episode, he was singing a song about what all he could do with his sword. As he sung about cutting vines with it, my clever wife declared, “I doubt it, since it’s made of wood. Maybe you could start a campfire with it.” Kudos.

Throughout every episode, Jake and his crew get gold doubloons for doing good deeds. I have a few issues with this. First, the gold doubloons appear out of nowhere. More disconcerting though – are we teaching children every good deed should come with the expectation of monetary compensation?

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

And, there's Pete, looking all evil. In the cartoon, he's more of an inconsiderate friend.

Ah, our favorite. My biggest gripe involves Pete.

Pete used to be a bad guy. His Wikipedia entry includes Attila the Hun and Blackbeard as part of his ancestry.

In Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he’s inconsiderate at best. In one episode, Pete steals some crystal statues from Mickey. When the gang catches up with him in a secret jungle temple, he deploys some fairly nefarious traps.After bypassing the traps, Mickey and the crew finally catches up with him. He has some terrible excuse about just wanting the see the crystal statues up close because they’re so pretty. Mickey seems to forget that he was nearly killed by his shenanigans. “Awww, shucks Pete.”

C’mon!! He’s a bad dude. Don’t let him off that easily. At the very least, stop inviting him to the costume parties, talent shows and other soirees. But, nope, there he is in every episode, doing clearly evil things that are shrugged off every time.

Oh, also what’s with the Toodles? Every time you have a serious problem, you should just hit the easy button and the perfect solution just appears?

All right, enough griping. "Sophia the First" is on and she appears to have a serious ice swan problem. I need to watch this.