Doing the Disney

Since I first became a father, I've told my wife that due to a myriad of reasons I'm going to go to Disney exactly once. She's welcome to take the kids back on her own, but I'm only doing the death dance with the mouse one time. Last week, it was time to pay the piper. I'm going to spare you all as many of the gory details as I can, but wanted to hand out some information for those of you who may be willing to let Central Florida make the beast with two backs with your wallet.

Souvenirs

Every ride at Disney dumps out into a gift shop, which is brilliant if you own Disney stock. I don't (although I may have an honorary share now). A friend gave us a great tip to save a little cash and crying and to tell your kids they could look at souvenirs all week but you would only buy stuff from the big store at Downtown Disney at the end of the week. I took a lot of pictures of kids with souvenirs all week, and then at the end of the week we gave each kid an allowance to spend at the big store. If you spend enough, they'll actually ship all of that stuff home for you, but our little soldiers wanted to bring it on the plane.

Time of Year

We went in February, which is considered off-season because it is one of the only one months every year that Florida experiences anything approaching "winter". This seemed like a very small price to pay when we were shooting through all of the rides without standing in a single line (the only delay was the distance you had to walk from the entrance to the attraction to actually board the ride). It seemed like a bigger price to pay when a third of your foot is blistered because you've been rocking soaking wet shoes and socks for three straight days.

Saw a lot of this.

In short, off-season is fine if you are prepared. The weather forecast we looked at before packing was 20 degrees off the entire time we were there, so we were not prepared.

Fast Pass

As stated, we were there in torrential rain the slowest week of the year, so often we didn't even use our Fast Passes. As soon as the sun came out, however, these were critical. It's worth investing a little time into this to make sure you are making the most of this.

Dining Plan

You will buy the dining plan, and you should. On your first day, you'll have no idea what is going on, and it will seem confusing and like it isn't worth it. By the end of your trip you'll be flexing it like a coupon mom and looking back at all of the money you saved. Pro tip: throw a couple boxes of Pop-Tarts in your suitcase for breakfast, which isn't included and which no one cares about.

The Food

I hear a lot of people talk about how great the food is at Disney. I didn't really feel it. Everything was competently made, I didn't hate anything, but I certainly wasn't blown away by anything either. It was all overpriced, but not painfully so (somewhere near airport, well below ballpark) and there was typically variety. The kids meals had relatively healthy choices (grapes and carrots were as ubiquitous as fries) but very limited choices. I was especially disappointed that in Epcot even though I could get a pretty decent Middle Eastern meal, my kids were stuck with chicken nuggets (which they dipped in my hummus).

Work on your upper body strength before heading down there.

Staying Onsite

We bought a package which made staying onsite a breeze. We flew into Orlando, got on a bus, went to our resort, checked in, our bags showed up a while later, and we were off to the park via a bus. I didn't have to worry about renting a car, or parking (which still requires a bus to get to the park) or figuring out a different hotel. Unless you are planning on doing stuff elsewhere, this is the way to go.

Pop Century

This is basically a dorm. I'm not entirely sure my wife and I could have laid shoulder to shoulder in the same bed. Also, combined shampoo and conditioner. Also, no pool towels. This was the cheapest place to stay at Disney, and it showed.

Booze

By the end of every day you'll be craving a beer. Have some, but don't get wasted - you'll have to be sober enough to get your kids home on the bus safely (which isn't hard), you'll be so tired you'll fall asleep anyway, and you don't really want to spend anytime here hungover. The exception? Epcot, which has beers for every country and very slow rides.

Alternatives

I wouldn't say I enjoyed myself. There were moments (taking two steps into the park our first day and watching the kids faces light up because we walked straight into a parade, my little princess meeting her first princess, etc.) but honestly I'm not all that convinced my kids loved it. Oh sure, it was better than sitting at home and hanging out in the basement (it's been a long winter) but I think if I gave them each $40 and let them loose in the arcade/food court at the mall they'd have been almost as happy.

$20 worth of tattoos made my kids happier than the thousands I spent getting them there.

As a parent, you're still obligated to go, but don't feel like a failure if you don't love it. Or at least don't feel like the only failure.

Turkey Rant

Every year about this time I get fed up... with Christmas. You mean the holiday that comes AFTER Thanksgiving and it's not even Thanksgiving yet? Yes, that one. What gets my gravy boiling is the opening of stores on Thanksgiving Day,the most family friendly day of the year. It pulls people away from their families and completely nullifies the entire spirit of the Holidays.

I was at my in-laws last night and the topic came up. See, my Mother-in-law works part-time at Barnes & Noble in a mall. She sees it every year and luckily B&N is closed on Thanksgiving. However, opening the next day at 5am isn't much of a consolation prize for the workers. So during our conversation last night a great point was made by my Mother-in-law. If the customers wouldn't fall for these limited time deals, stores wouldn't have to open. And that was just it... The stores can only be blamed so much for being open, having no morals, and not caring for their employees' families. If consumers wouldn't act like brainless neanderthals when trying to save an extra buck, would the stores be open? And God forbid, what if no one lined up outside a store?

So it got me thinking, Why do people act like complete idiots, disregarding family, budget, and (sometimes) physical well-being to get a "deal"?

• Is it our innate hunter-gatherer make up? Doubtful, we are aren't getting a deal on a Turkey and our families typically have enough food in the pantry to get by. 
• Do we actually need what we are buying? No. At the end of the day, and if your TV goes out in April, you'll just buy another TV. You won't wait until November.

So what is it? Well, I think it's a bunch of stuff that I'm sure a psychiatrist could better explain, but in lay terms, it comes to two things:

1. Some people strive on competition. They have to be the best of the best when it comes to certain things. They live for the rush of beating someone to the finish line, or iPad in this scenario. If they could just get the same rush from hanging out with loved ones...
2. People like to brag about how much more awesome they think they are than you. So, while you were schlepping it and playing cards with your family after Thanksgiving dinner, somebody way cooler than you was out getting a deal on a Kindle and will then have no problems posting it on Facebook to prove their awesomeness.

So there you have it. If I offended anyone by suggesting that spending time away from your family and in-turn making people work on your behalf is a bad thing, so be it and enjoy your new TV.

Gold Stars in Heaven

This weekend, due to circumstances beyond my control, we got some new roommates when 4 of my nieces and nephews moved in to our house.

This has led to some lifestyle changes. For one, we need to be more organized.

Not to mention the fact that this army marches on its stomach. These eight sandwiches, 6 mugs of soup, and several pounds of vegetation are now a lunch. For around half the people in our house. Seriously.

Fortunately the new kids are great. The oldest one even has OCD so he likes to help clean. But it's still obviously a lot. I can't decide if I'd rather be Dick Van Patton or funny Rick Majerus.

My biggest concern at present? When hearing about this new lot, everyone mentions that Becca and I have some how earned a reward in heaven. I'm just hoping this isn't going to send me upstairs sooner than I'm ready.

In the meantime, where did that whole bottle of wine suddenly go?

Nesting... Again

There are no shortage of children around the hallowed halls of the SFA. Among the 3 of us we have approximately 35 kids. Well, at times it feels like that. However you do the math, it makes for some great stories and some 180+ blog posts. This will not be a great story, but more of a brain dump on what happens to me when we are getting close to baby time.

Gonna need a wider lens for another kid.

So this will be my fourth and final kid. I've paid good money to a doctor to make sure of that. There's a lot going on around the house these days. We closed on our new house in January and we found out we were pregnant 2 days prior to closing. Since then its been a whirlwind of unpacking boxes and getting settled into the new house. What we didn't realize or even think about when moving in was that the two oldest (both girls) were going to room together and would need a larger room to fit all their clothes, beds, and emotions. So, instead of the typical "lets get the baby's room ready" it has turned into "lets move everyone's bedroom to accommodate the small pink room for the baby". So instead of 1 room to get ready, we've had 3 (we had to move my son out of his room). At least we are having a girl and the girls' room was pink to begin with. Hooray for no painting.

Seems quiet... Too quiet.

Clothing and everything else baby... When we had our 3rd kid almost 2 years ago, we were done. No mas. So we did what every other couple would do, give everything away. All the standard baby stuff was not needed anymore: Changing table, High Chair, shoes the size of my ear... All gone. So there was a small freak out session of not knowing where the F we would get all this stuff. We really weren't up on the idea of buying all new baby stuff. Luckily we have been showered with people's leftovers. You know the people that said they were done with kids and actually meant it???? We have been very blessed to have almost 2 of everything now and we have to kind of turn stuff away. So, with this influx of new stuff, it adds some additional stress of "where are we gonna put it all?" This is slowly becoming a non-stress issue, but I am sure we are missing stuff. Like Diapers. We need small diapers!!! Damn it. I'll go to the store this week and get some.

Finally there's me. I usually do something kind of stupid and pointless before a child is born. I am waiting for it to happen. Usually it involves me, booze, a late night, and a bad decision to gamble or almost get my ear cut off . However, I think I have it mitigated that this time. I signed up for my first Olympic distance Triathlon. So, I've always been a runner and last year, I did my first Tri. It was fun. I did one earlier this year but the distance was pretty short. This will be a large test of energy to finish. So hopefully this goal will keep me from doing stupid stuff from here on in.

What I am still amazed with every time we have a baby is how my wife deals with it. The physical stress it has to put on the body is remarkable and how she hasn't disowned me with the first 3 is beyond comprehension.

Oh its a girl. BTW.

Braggin Rights

It’s March. The weather is crazy. You are probably tired of your kids being on Spring Break and want them to get a job and move out of the house already. You and your wife are probably stressed with Easter (should you celebrate), possibly selling/buying a house, or just other busy stuff that the spring holds for us.

Well as a fun way to promote FRIENDLY competition in your house. We give you the Suburban Father Alliance Bracket Challenge. Its easy. Sign up, make your picks, and beat your spouse.

The scoring is easy.  The more you get right & the higher the round, the better you do.

To sign up simply go to http://suburbanfatheralliance.mayhem.cbssports.com and enter the password: poopydiaper.

We’d love to offer some sort of prize to the winner, but seeing as how we don’t have sponsors or petty cash, we’ll have to keep it to braggin rights among all suburban fathers (or mothers). As for the braggin rights in your house, we’ll leave it up to you, but if your wife wins, make her dinner for 3 days. Not the frozen pizza variety either, a real meal of food. 

Good luck and happy bracketing.

What we got

Turns out my 11 year old, Michael, missed the memo on getting me iDevices and high fives and landed squarely in the middle. In a moment of "this doesn't sound like a gift, but it's actually an awesome gift," he offered to let me teach him to mow the lawn for Father's Day. Recognizing that this was super-thoughtful and not the norm, I immediately assumed the worst.

Of course by assumed the worst, I don't mean that questioned the motives of my little man. I questioned his butt. As in, I thought "just how stinking far is his 8 pound, 6 ounce caboose gonna be able to push a lawn-mower in 95 degree heat with his spindly arms and his get-that-kid-a-sandwich frame?" as I pictured myself mowing the other 98% of my lawn after his stamina gave out. As they almost always are, my instincts were total crap.

The whole thing was a much sweatier affair than this picture makes it appear.

I spent about ten minutes talking him through the setup (I did pour the gas in myself) and safety ("your siblings appendages won't grow back") and we started mowing. I did the first couple stripes to get him a decent corner to turn in and let the mower stop. Much to my surprise, he was able to start it himself before he started moving. Then he mowed. And mowed. And mowed. And then he mowed the front yard, too. Did he miss a patch here and then? Sure. Did he finish the job with his scrawny little build? Definitely.

So I guess, in the end, the gift wasn't so much the lesson. Or the lawn. Or all of the future lawns (which is AWESOME!). I think the real gift was watching my oldest just impress the living bejeezus out of me by doing way more than I expected he would be able to as a gift to me.

Happy Father's Day.

Morbid Post

Well, not really that morbid but I am going to skate really close to the issue of "what if one of your kids were to die before you?"

I know its not a fun topic. It ranks up there with making out your Will and having the discussion with your wife on if you should pull the plug should you wind up in a vegetative state. This topic is probably worse though. Both my parents and my wife's have had the unfortunate circumstance of living beyond one of their children. My wife's brother passed away many years ago due to a bicycle accident and my sister collapsed out of the blue playing recreational volleyball.

Now I'm not here to have a pity party on behalf of my wife and I's losses. We have coped with them and have moved passed. What I want to talk about today is what happens if one of your kids passes. Are you going to be prepared? Mentally, I don't think anyone could be prepared, but what I am talking about is Life Insurance. Trust me I'm not starting an insurance agency or anything and will totally delete anyone's comments on this post that try to sell it.

Why I am bringing this up today is that something recently happened with my middle daughter's policy and after talking to my wife, we were really glad we signed her up for Life Insurance when she was about a month old. As I have mentioned on her before, my middle daughter has recently been diagnosed with McCune-Albright Syndrome. Hardly a life threatening disease but something we will need to monitor throughout her life.

About the same time we were going through all the diagnosis stuff and other fun, we met with our Financial Adviser (same person who gets us our life insurance) to get our youngest set up for a Savings account he can't touch and life insurance. We've done this exercise with our other kids shortly after their births. When we sat down with our Adviser she thought that it might be a good idea to bump up our girls policies also. We agreed and filed the paperwork.

Our Life Insurance provider sent us a letter back stating that Lucy (our middle) was denied any more coverage due to her diagnosis of McCune-Albright. Of course my wife and I were kind of taken back with this news, but also looking at the big picture, we thought, if we wouldn't have signed her up right after she was born, she wouldn't be able to get any life insurance. I do want to make a small disclaimer that we aren't talking about a large sum of money, just enough to cover some funeral costs.

Anyway, that's my story and while we don't really give much solid advice on this site, I really think you should sit down with your significant other and consider life insurance for your kid if they don't already have some.

**I will say this again, if anyone leaves a comment on here trying to sell Life Insurance, it will get deleted. This is meant to be an informative post for parents, not a free for all for Insurance agents.

Bracket Busted

Well I am not sure about you but my bracket is the ugliest thing I have seen since I got this really nasty blood blister on my foot. The dreaded 15/2 matchup this year has been the death of it, and mostly because I had one of those teams winning the whole thing. IDIOT. Let this be a lesson not to let your home team allegiance blind you from reality.

Yes I am waaaay too optimistic

Not only does it suck when your champ is out early because you are more than likely out of the running for any type of monetary reward or pants credit. But it sucks from a viewing perspective also. I am past the days of watching sports just to watch sports. I just can't. With the addition of kids, there are practices, games, dance classes, & other stuff to do on the weekend. Oh and my wife gets super ticked off. So when I get to sit down and actually watch a sporting event, I need to have some sort of stake in there. The stake is emotional only because gambling is illegal at Bushwood.

Don't get me wrong I really like watching the tournament and think its great to see the lesser known schools "over-achieve," but right now I am at the point of saying F it. Really the only thing that may keep me going is the interest in watching Kansas lose to whoever plays them, but the longer they make it in the tournament, the more I fall down into a sports depression.

So, I guess good luck to those of you that are still emotionally invested in this Tournament. Except if you are a Kansas fan.

Baseball needs to start soon.

New Years Edition

Well after last week's onslaught of posts we took some time off to reflect on 2011 and prepare for the year ahead (2012 if you were wondering). We came to the realization that all the good sites have already done their top 10's and it would dumb for us to do something like that. So as we close the door to 2011 we have some reflections on the year, but mostly want to look forward to 2012.

2011 in no particular order:

• The State of Minnesota closed for awhile
• Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a kid with a maid and his marriage ended. Maria Shriver is still very thin.
• The last Harry Potter was released in Theaters. I watched it in an actual movie theater with my wife. It was like a date. We had popcorn and diet soda.
• US & Japan Womans World Cup Final was one of the most entertaining sporting events in the last decade. It was an incredible game even if the US lost. Hope Solo is still hot.

• Steve Jobs - RIP
• Gadhafi & Osama Bin Laden are killed after years and years of killing and pissing people off.
• St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series. Game 6 of the series is deemed the best World Series game ever unless you live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. 
• To keep with the topic of STL baseball, God talked Albert Pujols to signing a contract for $250 million dollars with the Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim Baseball. Now every time Albert's heart beats for the next 10 years it will cost the Angels $8* (*Assuming an avg HR of 60)

Image via www.JoeSportsFan.com

Ok I think that's it for 2011. There was some other stuff that happened but i think that's a good snap shot. Now some future aspirations for 2012 from the both of us:

• We would like to monetize this damn blog. Someone please help us. We don't like our real jobs enough to want to do them forever.
• Become more attractive
• Lose a combined 50lbs. We are the sum of our parts or something like that.
• Grill more pork
• Wrestle a bear or get a Wii (either or, but not both)
• Make more money. Like serious money. You know like Ballin'/Makin' it Rain Money. Or if we could just get a significant discount on Daycare that would be nice.
• Review more Beer. We got away from that after Pumpkin Beer Season.
• Question more Authority.
• Teach our kids more about Star Wars and other life lessons

Thats it. We had a blast this year writing about stuff and are shocked we got over 10,000 views at our crap. Thank you all for reading, commenting, and spreading the SFA word. 

- John & Jamie

Christmas Movie Countdown: Christmas Vacation

Well folks you have endured an entire week of posts from us. I know, I know we are awesome. 6 posts in 6 days? Unheard of.

But back to business and in the words of Casey Kasem "...and back to the countdown."

With this being the final post before Christmas we thought we would save the best for last. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is not only the funniest Christmas movie out there, but can hold its own as one of the great comedies of all time. It is simple, wonderful, slapstick comedic genius with a cast of funny MF'ers. Chevy Chase's role of a dim witted father blinded with visions of holiday grandeur is spot on. His delivery of jokes is superb and should be studied by scholars or teenagers for years to come. However, no one can argue that this movie's main draw is Cousin Eddie. While he is featured in the other "Vacation" Movies (minus European Vacation), this is his moment in the sun. I really don't think you could paint a better portrait of what distant hoosier relatives look like than this:

Bingo!

So, mix in Cousin Eddie, Clark, and a number of other wonder characters you have what makes to be the most heavily quoted, laughed-at-hysterically holiday movie of all time. In fact, I am pretty sure while I am writing this on 12/23/11 this movie is on TV somewhere and is supplying joy and cheer to someone with cable (probably on TBS).

Today's Honorable Mention goes to Die Hard. If the movie above wasn't enough for comedic one-liners, Die Hard does not disappoint with Tough-Guy phrases none more than "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker." It also introduces us to one of the more bad arse cops in movie history, John McClane who goes on in other Die Hard movies to kill lots of people. Finally I can't leave this out but what was it about the late 80's movies and their distaste for foreign people (mainly Russians and in this case Germans).


We thank you all for reading this week and on behalf of Jamie and me we wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and thank you tremendously for your readership. The only better gift you could give to us than reading this blog is large sums of money or free electronics and clothing.

Who cares about last week?

Last week the nation celebrated the age old tradition of Thanksgiving. A day known for laying around, eating until you pass out, and yelling at your brother-in-law for his bad life decisions. It is one of my favorite holidays on Earth but who else really cares about it? I wrote this article last year and apparently America didn't listen to me because this year the retail chains were at it even worse than last. So with that I will refuse to link to these retailers in this article because they are destroying my favorite Holiday by creating a false sense of urgency for people to leave their families and spend money.

What I found this year was just terrible. Stores opening as early as 10pm on Thanksgiving Day or at Midnight on Friday. I think they have really lost their soul. It's one thing to schedule your workers to work these hours, at least they are getting paid. But when they create a competitive atmosphere for consumers, getting them out of their homes and away from their families on arguably the most family-oriented holiday there is, it rubs me raw. Yes it is at Midnight and kids are typically sleeping, but did mommy or daddy have to leave the party early so they could sleep for 2 hours before they went and tried to buy a TV? What also chaps my arse is that this year (I haven't seen it in previous years) is retailers were posting store maps so people could plan their attack throughout the store and on other consumers that got in their way. I mean how easy are they going to make it, at least let these people find the deals on their own.

Ok I am almost done venting, but before I quit, I would just like to urge you as a consumer to stop this BS and feeding the Walmarts of the world. YOU are the customer and YOU should be able to call the shots. Not the other way around. And who really gives a crap in 3 years that your broken TV cost you $300 instead of $600? Its still broken. Family is what matters on holidays, not cheap stuff.

So, with that and seeing how well our blog gets read by America, here's my predictions for next years Black Friday Retail Hooker-a-thon.

1. Walmart opens at 8:30pm offers pumpkin pie so you can just eat dessert in the store. It does go oh so well with pepper spray.
2. Target offers a Wake-Up Call service to ensure you are out of bed in enough time to shower and look your best when you tackle that beotch for taking the last electric smoker. 
3. Lowe's will build a new house for the first person in America that buys more than $2500 of light bulbs on Black Friday.
4. While I have no experience with BJ's Wholesale Club, they will offer their namesake to the first 30 people that buy a pre-lit Christmas Tree. Sorry I went there.
5. Kmart will pay their workers in kitchen gadgets and tube socks for working extended holiday hours.

Ok that's it. Stop buying into this crap will ya?