Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Summertime Sucks

Summertime sucks.

A bold statement, I know. New grills, demolition, and keg parties aside, I'm having a hard-time justifying the reason to continue this annual tradition for the following reasons (plus some I haven't really come up with yet).

  • It's freakin' hot. In St. Louis, the heat index was 115 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday. That's Fahrenheit, people.

  • Stinging insects. Sure, people always say "but bees make honey and pollinate things like almonds." Guess what? I don't even really like honey. And with almonds, if we really needed them -- and I'm not sure we do, since cashews are infinitely better -- we'd figure out some other way to pollinate them. And what's with every other type of stinging insect? Has anyone ever said "oh, look at the magic of this swarm of hornets choking the sky with their bloodthirsty buzzing AND stinging AND biting"?

  • Did I mention its hot? I took my kids swimming this weekend. And I was sweating. In the pool.

  • Boats. Actually never mind. Boats are awesome.

  • Jet skis on the other hand are a little douchey. There, I said it.

  • Poison ivy, oak, sumac, etc. Let me tell you a little something about plants with "poison" in their names: if the only reason for something to exist is protecting its own existence, I posit that it should need two reasons.

  • [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="170" caption="Feel free to mix this into a salad if you want to die."][/caption]

  • Mowing the lawn. I understand some people actually enjoy this. Not a strong selling point for me since some people also actually enjoy Jay Leno.

  • Finding somewhere to stash your kids when school it out. It isn't that hard, but after 9 months of overseeing homework and packing lunches and coordinating the sports calendar I want a break too. Why don't they have a service for this? Million dollar idea: make a service that plans (and executes on) your childrens' summers.

  • I know I've mentioned that its hot, but when your argument for why a season is great is that "the weather is s so nice you can do anything outside" but then you spend the whole season searching out the sweet sanctuary of air conditioning I'm not so sure your argument holds up.

I know there are other reasons, those are just the only ones I can come up with as a sit here and try not to scratch my own legs off to bring some sweet temporary relief to the poison ivy I got. Enjoy your summer.


  1. Jamie,

    Summer is sick, it rocks, it is the bomb, hard out,,,,,blah, blah, blah, harden up ;-)

    Could be worse, you could be in the Southern Hemisphere and it could be winter! F'in hate winter, it is the crying, snivelling women of the seasons.

    Having said that, you're entitled your misguided opinion.

    I hope the person in the pic is ok, looks like a painful lesson on the application of sun screen.


  2. Winter is way better than summer for one simple reason: you can always put more clothes on, but you can only get so naked.

    The picture is actually of poison sumac, which you get just from brushing up next to a specific plant, or touching anything (shovel, dog, clothing, etc.) that has brushed up against said plant. Awful, awful stuff.

  3. I've updated the photo to stop making folks sick. To see the old photo, Google images of Poison sumac and poke around until you vomit.

  4. [...] a 3-year-old boy and a 22-month-old girl. At the same time, I’m on some steroids to treat a bad patch of poison ivy which also makes me pretty crabby and given to mood swings and insomnia. This week could’ve [...]

  5. [...] is tough for a man as pretty as I am to admit — but in the midst of a month-long battle with Poison Ivy, I’m not looking my best. Some patches are still visible, and I’ve literally put back [...]