An Open Letter to my Man Parts

Dearest Ballbag & Surrounding Area,

I sit here writing this on the day before my Vasectomy. First let me just point out the fact that I am actually sitting. Comfortably. On a wooden chair. I don’t think I will have this opportunity for the next week or so to be comfortable on wood. But I digress…

Anyway, I’m not sure really where to start on this. This day has been in the works since Oliver was born. Like most things in my past, I’ve procrastinated this (arguably too long). However instead of putting you off like some paper in college where my grade might reflect the lack of effort and last minute rush, procrastination of this event has rendered my wife prego with our 4^th kid and will no doubt be reflected on our bank account. However, I have to think you (and the man upstairs) had bigger and better plans for me than a mere 3 kids. I am going to trust that and go with it.

I am not one to dwell on the past or look back on things. However, I do think an event such as this warrants some retrospect. We have been through a lot together. Not too many close calls, zipper incidents, or blunt force applied. It has been a good time for the most part. Way to go.

 I would like to also thank you for your seemingly relentless reproductive qualities. It’s a really redeeming quality about you and I am sorry for removing it. My kids are really awesome and I appreciate you making some of the best genes this side of the Mississippi. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be a dad and have had all the experiences that come along with that.

I’d also like to take this time to briefly thank the NCAA for creating March Madness. I will be a basketball expert by the end of the weekend.

Your Buddy,

John

P.S. Let's hope this goes better than Jamie's did. He still walks with a limp.

Playoff Beards

Professional athletes have known for decades what most of us have only recently come to realize: extra facial hair gives us extra power. Everyone can keep their face as smooth as a baby's butt during the regular season, but when the time calls for it and you have to dig deep, you can't waste your energy on things like proper grooming.

Recently I found myself in such a dilemma. Or, more accurately, I put myself in such a dilemma. You see, this summer I skipped a regular haircut and thus skipped a beard-trimming (for any number of reasons, I usually trim my beard when I get a haircut). Once the hair on my face started getting a little longer than usual, I came to enjoy the added machismo of my beard and the extra power it gave me.

Drink in all that power.

Out of convenience I claimed that I was growing this beard as a playoff beard of sorts for the next release of some software I use (and, for the record, love). And that software went into full support.  And then it went into general availability. And then I went to a party to celebrate its release. And I couldn't really come up with any more software related excuses.

Plus my wife got tired of me looking like.. well, like that. Never one to miss an opportunity to be an idiot, I had to have some fun trimming it back to its normal levels and kept a photo journal.

My sister called this the reverse mullet.

Sometimes I like to participate in Civil War re-enactments.

If your daughter ever brings a face like this home, you owe her an apology.

Back to normal-ish.

Why not shave it all the way? Because while my wife may not like the Grizzly Adams look, she'd leave me if I ever went clean-shaven again.