Sunday, October 2, 2011

Boys are not girls

My buddy and co-blogger John recently had his first boy after a couple of girls (or as I like to call it, the "Reverse Oswald"). Since the only advice I ever got after having my first and only girl was "be sure to wipe front to back" I thought I might impart to him a little wisdom to help him raise the rougher-around-the-edges sex.
  • Boys love to be naked. This doesn't really stop until they are old enough that it's awkward just how ashamed of their own bodies they are.
  • He will, at some point, get a scar on his face. I recommend getting in front of it and cracking him on the eyebrow with one of your old fraternity paddles. Go ahead and let your daughters take a shot at him, too. Really relieves the pressure once the first one is out of the way.
  • He's gonna be a momma's boy. Deal with it early. Hopefully he'll think you are a lot cooler around age 3.
  • Baby boys' balls look weird. Don't worry about it.
  • You will screw him up somehow. Knowing that going in should hopefully make it easier.
  • Boys fight.
  • If you have hardwood floors in your bathroom, swap it out for tile. They have to learn to pee standing up, and that involves a lot of puddles that will be soaked up by porous hardwood.
  • A nice laminate would be fine, too. Seriously, your bathroom will always smell like pee.
  • Your boy will, at some point, carry a purse around the house. He'll want his toenails painted. He'll occupy himself with My Little Pony toys. Let him. What you consider a worst case scenario isn't really all that bad, and if it goes that way, HIS worst case scenario is probably having a homophobic a-hole for a father.
  • Don't be surprised when he doesn't like the stuff you do. You'll eventually learn to love the stuff he's into. Trust me.
  • If you want him to play sports, make your girls play sports, then tell him not to. Spite will get you further than encouragement.
  • Make him respect his mother, no matter what. If he doesn't eventually thank you for this, you didn't do it right.
Just remember, every kid will be different, and adding the gender variable will only make it more interesting. You may as well enjoy it while you can, because you have a son for 18 years, and a daughter for life.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. And all in only 4 faces.

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