Valentine's Day Is Thursday

Here at the Suburban Father Alliance, we like to think of ourselves as above-average husbands. We also like to help out our fellow husbands (hence, the title of this blog post makes no attempt at humor).

Most obnoxious graphic we could find.

When you've been married more than a few years, you have to work a little harder at annual events like Valentine’s Day. A box of chocolates might have been satisfactory when you were in high school. But, for the mother of your children? The woman who puts up with your pathetic attempts at humor? The beautiful face who still kisses you each time you return from a business trip? The cute little nose that has endured years of the world’s worst farts night after night?

Kind of puts it in perspective. She definitely deserves a little more than a box of chocolates this Valentine’s Day. So, what to get her? Here at SFA, we’re always going the extra mile for you. So, we asked each of our significant others for their top three picks in three different categories: gift cards, gifts and special occasion/celebrations (i.e. dinners, outings, etc.). Here’s what they said.

Top Three Gift Cards (Josh)

When I asked Tiffany for her top three gift card suggestions, she came right back with, “Well, for how much?” What? 

“Well, if you’re only going to spend $25, then I’d suggest something different than if you’re going to spend $100.”

Sweet Jesus. I’d never considered that. So, here are her top three gift card suggestions for three different amounts. (And, now I’ll look like a real heel if I don’t spend top dollar. D’oh!)

$25: O.K., you’re a cheapskate. Not a big deal, but you will have to put a little more thought into this. My wife recommends finding a place that she likes, but doesn't necessarily treat herself to on a daily basis. For instance, Starbucks, or maybe Kaldi’s Coffee. (John certainly is a fan.) She likes the double mocha latte with a twist of fanciness, but only splurges a couple times a month? Grab a gift card and let her have a week’s worth of treats. St. Louis Bread is another viable option. Though, it doesn’t have to be food related. Tiffany mentions that Sephora, or her favorite line of makeup, would be another good option.

$50: Now we’re talking a good chunk of cash. For $50, Tiffany recommends a gift card to her favorite retailer. FYI: Tiffany’s is Macy’s. But, she says there’s an ace in the hole if you’re not sure. “I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like Target,” she tells me. And, I thought it was just like Wal-Mart.

Also, Amazon has made it so stupid easy to get a gift card. Just buy one online and its immediately available . Click the link below to show the world of gift cards at Amazon.

Shop Amazon - Holiday Gift Cards - Instant Delivery or Free One-Day Shipping

$100: Alright, big spender. Before you whip out that kind of cash, do us fellow husbands a favor and don’t tell us how much you spent. You’ll just make us feel like jerks. My wife recommends spa services if you’re willing to pony up a C note. She says most of the good stuff, like a back massage, starts around $75. Go the extra yard and figure in a tip. Tiffany’s favorite is Aveda. They have a couple locations in the greater St. Louis area (don't confuse the spa locations for the retail shops). 

Top Three Gifts (Jamie)

If you've come up short on a gift card before (and who hasn't tried a coupon for an "hour of Joey love"*) you may have to bite the bullet and thoughtfully shop for the missus this Valentine's Day.

Make: If you -- wisely -- spent all of the time in your relationship up until now making your wife realize you're inept, it's about to pay off. Almost anything you can make a woman will score you some big time points. Timing projects to holidays isn't only smart, but often you can talk your mate into sharing some of the cost associated with it.

This is not to say that you can half-ass it.You don't have to be great at whittling or backsplashes or even keeping a notebook with a little love note every day for a whole damned year (yep, I'm a big wuss) but you do need to earn an E for "Effort" or you may just find yourself with a C for "Couchsleeping".

Also, it's important that if you do something where in you'll have to tip your hand about what you have in mind you'll still have to come up with a little something to surprise her on that day.

Buy: Have we discussed jewelry yet? Let's. It can be pretty tough to go wrong with jewelry, but it can happen. It has to be expensive enough that she wouldn't buy it at Kohl's to go with a single outfit. If you're going to get her diamond stud earrings but she already has diamond stud earrings, you'll have to go noticeably bigger.

There are a few tricks to do it right. Firstly, try to fill out her collection. Every woman needs a lot of jewelry to round out her collection and to arm her for any evening - look through what she's got, and if she doesn't have red earrings, get her some. No green necklace, buy one. Secondly, if you are going to go for something unique, try to go local. They'll like to have the little story about where a certain piece came from when they get complimented on it. Thirdly, jewelry likes friends. If you buy her a nice necklace, get her a matching (albeit possibly less expensive) bracelet.

Finally, I wouldn't recommend nice jewelry more than once a year, and spread it around the gift-giving holidays or else you'll get dinged for not putting enough thought into it.

The Kiss of Death: As someone who is even able to screw up golf, take my word for it - never buy your wife clothes. Even if they are great. Even if you are 100% sure they fit. Even if she has circled them in a catalog. Never do it. Ever.

Ever.

*Editor's note: Apparently 'Friends' is not adequately archived on YouTube. If you don't already get the reference it looks like you never will.

Top Three Experiences (John)

Dinner

Dinner can be broken down into a couple different categories. Sure you can always make reservations and take her out to eat, but Valentine's Day (much like New Years) is a feeding ground for restaurants to give you a fixed menu and lock you in. Here's how you can avoid that debacle, cook for your significant other. You may end up spending about the same amount as the restaurant but the Status Points you receive from her and her friends will be worth that of 35 dinner outings.

Road Trip

This year V-Day falls close to a weekend. Surprise her & yourself with a road trip to somewhere you've never been. Look at a map and pick a couple spots within a 4-5 hour drive and go for it. If you have kids that are semi normal in the car and can be babysat with a DVD player, bring them along. Let's be honest, if you are married with kids romance has a new perspective. Long gone are the days of roses (they die). But change a poop filled diaper??? That's some sexy stuff. Anyway, where I was going with that was kids can be a great part of your Valentines day and introducing your family to new stuff can be a great way to celebrate.

Nothing
I think this is what my wife will be getting this year... A whole lot of nothing. No kids, no place to be, no rushing, none of that. Just some time to not be a mom and some time to reflect on how awesome of a husband I am without the deafening screams that come from fights about who gets to wear the pink sparkly head band. Peace. And. Quiet. 

There you have it, we just gave you about 95 items you can get for your life partner. Now get shopping NOW so you aren't fumbling like a moron on Thursday morning because you don't have a card.

Blowing the Dust Off

It has been quite some time since we have blessed the blogosphere with some of our original, grammatically incorrect musings. We know. You've missed us.

So why are we writing this? Its easy. We want to get to 10,000 clicks on this little blog of ours by the end of 2012. We are pretty close but need some help for you. However, we won't just post an article saying we need help, we'll put some thought behind it and some substance. Here goes.

The Suburban Father Alliance was started 2 years ago by my partner in crime and me to share some fatherly musings with friends and family. We have pumped out about 145 articles over that span which is more than 1 a week. It was fun. We got free beef jerky. Life was good.

Then I think life kind of hit us. Between the two of us we have 2 wives &7 kids. I also started up a home business selling Running Shoes and Apparel and Jamie was busy coaching, travelling for work, and other life stuff. It became less of a priority (for me at least, I won't speak for Jamie). Either way I don't think either one of us was getting the satisfaction out of it that we once got. In other words, the beef jerky had dried up.

Here's where we need your help. READ. THE. BLOG. We have made a concerted effort between the two of us to pump some good stuff out before the end of the year. Around the New Year we'll re-evaluate and go from there.

So, in the meantime: Read early. Share Often. And get ready for the best blog about fathering you've ever seen.

Road Trip

Those of you who follow the blog know that I've grappling with teaching my kids how to be fans of both the Cavs and Heat. This last weekend I added the Memphis Grizzlies into the fray. Why you ask? My boys are sports nuts, and my recently-turned 6 year old son is really big on basketball right now. I wanted to take him to a game for his birthday, and Memphis is the most attractive city/team within driving distance. (Indianapolis isn't much fun, Milwaukee has too much beer for me to be the designated driver and I still remember Chicago doing this). Memphis also allowed us some great seats at great prices, and I knew they'd still have something to play for at that point in the season.

We decided early on this was gonna just be a great "man" road trip. When we got hungry, we ate. When we were thirsty, we drank. When we wanted to switch from watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone to Disney's Dinosaur we did it. Living on the edge ain't easy, but somebody had to do it.

We made it to Memphis in time to walk up Beale and grab some dinner before heading into the game. I was really proud watching Michael play the mentor role to his little brother on topics ranging from holding his hand while crossing the street all the way to why it was really important to eat his shrimp even though it was a little spicy and had some potato salad on it and it had chicken breading on it.

I was also pretty impressed by Lucas who noted -- about 2 minutes into his first live NBA game -- that it was cool how the announcer was said the scorer's name a lot louder when the home team made a basket.

After the game we were all pretty pumped (the game was actually really exciting, we got to eat snacks TWICE during the game, and we brought home a winner), but I was able to talk the boys out of putting me to bed and heading back out on Beale. Amazingly, we didn't get security called on us.

It was a long ride home, but we'd all do again. Who knows, maybe next time we'll even bring Cooper along. 

Snowboarding is for the young and the stupid

As many of you now know, I go on a ski trip every year with my wife.

Unfortunately the older I get, the more I hate ski boots. They're skinny and hard and they put your ankles at angles that are really only useful while you are, you know, skiing. Typically, however, I spend a lot more time getting into position to ski than I do actually skiing. This year, I thought I'd be clever and try snowboarding.

Just because the boots look more comfortable.

Which totally sounds like a recipe for success.

And it was. I was walking pain-free circles around my wife. Even managed to strap one foot in, scoot around and get on the ski lift without any trouble. "How hard can it be?" I thought. Heck, even a Kardashian could probably do it.

Let's just say that I snowboarded with all of the suave and grace you could reasonably expect from a man of my size and age who had never snowboarded before and who was never all that great at skiing in the first place.

I fell for the first time after getting about 6 feet off of the ski lift (for those of you scoring at home, that's 2 inches of snowboarding and 5'10" of me falling forward). Twenty-five feet down the mountain I had fallen approximately 50 more times. Little people (the child kind) and old people (the old people kind) zipped all around me. There were actually a few times where I stayed on my feet for a minute, then I'd have to attempt something crazy like "turn" or "slow down" and the whole "fall, curse, flip around awkwardly, stand, slide, and fall" routine would start all over.

It was around this point that I became perfectly aware that if I was going to stay on that board for one more second that someone (and probably not me) was going to die.

It was a long walk down the hill. I care too much about the little people (of all kinds).

STL Ski Trip

Every year some old friends of my wife (and more recent friends of mine) organize a ski trip that always starts in St. Louis and usually ends up in someplace like Wisconsin. The trip (branded as "a beer trip with skiing included") never fails at being a good time. The basic schedule usually goes something like this:

1. Meet at noon at a local car drop off point. Board bus.
2. Drink beer for 5 hours nonstop. 
3. Visit rest stop, which you only need if you smoke because you've been peeing every twenty minutes on the back of the bus.
4. Drink on bus for three more hours.
5. Arrive at resort, eat twice your weight in pizza, drink hot tub while sitting in beer.
6. Heave snorily.
7. Wake up early, go skiing, knock back a few at lunch, leave slopes early, drink until dinner.
8. Eat dinner, race back to resort rooms and commence formal drinking games.
9. Wake up the next morning and "prepare to leave" (an Algonquin word for packing super fast then drinking Bloody Mary's while watching people who actually care to ski).
10. Drive back on the bus, be surprised how drunk you get on the ride back, be thankful your wife chose to just watch the movie and not be like [waves at all of you] you, then sweet-talk her into White Castle on the drive to your house.

Do I enjoy skiing? Sort of, but I generally only ski enough to justify going on the trip (riding to Wisconsin for the skiing would be a little like riding to Wisconsin for the wine). I mostly go on this trip because A) kids aren't allowed, and B) the trip provides the perfect mix of "romantic get away for two" with "party like a freshman blowing his student loans on spring break."

Details aren't available for next year, but if you are interested in going (and if you suck or are in any way a party pooper, please don't be interested) feel free to "Like" the very much in-progress Facebook page.

The "Rise" of the mini-bar.

Been doing a fair bit of traveling lately, and I've pretty much run the gamut of hotels. I've stayed in nice places (they kind where they organize your toiletries when they clean your room) and some not-so-nice (literally had two physical keys I had to use to get into my room). The not-so-nice hotels are often scary, but occasionally you'll find something in a nice hotel that is also frightening.

When I first checked into the MGM Grand in Vegas, my buddy Dallas gave me the hot tip that I should be sure to check out the price list on my mini bar, specifically the $30 item towards the end of the list.

Yep, intimacy kit. I assumed it had to be hot, since it was located (tastefully) in the fridge.

Looking at the contents, though (just the ones listed on the outside of the box -- I'm strictly anti-mini-bar) provided a whole new set of issues.

• Tickling feather - When I get down to tickling, I can't imagine being able to work with anything that would have fit into that box. Does the feather fold up? Does it extend, is it just 4 inches long? Doesn't seem to have enough.
• Desire dice - Dice? In Vegas? Sounds risky. Fortunately that will be mitigated by...
• Condoms - Probably a great addition, but it being in the fridge makes me think of two potential problems. One, I'm assuming that heating and cooling and reheating latex would hurt its structural integrity. Two, shrinkage.
• Intimate Oils - I find it a little odd that they branded the whole box based on the last of the ingredients, but that tells me these oils are REALLY intimate. Probably not intimate enough to get me a fifth kid, but intimate nonetheless.

Being alone in Vegas, I obviously didn't buck up for this little marvel, but even with mate in tow I doubt I'd have bucked up. The $30 probably would have lasted me longer at the penny slots.

When it freezing rains, it pours.

My grandpa passed away last week (RIP Grandpa Graham). He had been in the hospital and/or hospice for a couple of weeks, which is actually just about the perfect amount of time (you get to say your goodbyes and come to grips but it doesn't really drag on). He was comfortable and at peace when he passed. Since then, things have gone a little wonky for me.

As a bid-ness man, I already had travel plans set for the weekend (to San Antonio for a user group summit), as well as separate plans for this week (a work trip to Utah), capped off by even more plans for next weekend (skiing in Wisconsin). As Grandpa's funeral was scheduled for Saturday back in Canton, Ohio, I immediately cancelled my trip to San Antonio (the second year in a row I cancelled said trip at the last minute) so I could pack up the family truckster after school Friday and head home for the funeral.

We knew there was some bad weather, and that it would be slow-going, so we pricelined a hotel in Columbus and set out. After it took us 3 hours to get an hour outside of town, we decided to pull back. The ice was so bad I literally had to keep moving because if I came to a complete stop on the exit ramp I would start sliding. I've never seen that.

In any event we turned back and, with the kids done driving and having already been promised a night in a hotel we ended up paying for a second room not terrifically far from our house. The bright side? Hotel KFC.

Lucas was still not feeling great from the car.

So, at the end of the weekend, I've lost my Grandpa, I've missed the funeral AND a work trip, I've paid for two hotel rooms on the same night, and I've been hugely stressed about all of it.

On the bright side? Got to go swimming with my kids at the hotel and made it back just in time to see my oldest's last Pinewood Derby race ever.

That's an award winner.

Back on the not-bright side? Missed my flight to Utah this morning*. Luckily I got on a later one, but I made my travelling companions take the early flight because it made more sense (sorry Matt and Sanjay) so I feel awful (really, really sorry).

Rest in peace, Grandpa.

* No, I didn't sleep through my alarm. My phone was off**. My phone had just died when I went to bed so I plugged it in. I have done this one hundred times before, and every time my iPhone turns itself back on once it has enough juice, and I was so tired I literally fell asleep before the little thing started spinning. Not this morning. Woke up just in time to realize my flight was taking off.


** Others (including Matt) had warned me off of trusting the iPhone alarm. In my own defense, it had never let me down before, and I have a hard time learning from the misfortune of others.

Jumping in a Lake: Family Vacation

I don't want to share with you the day-to-day, minute-by-minute, picture-by-picture account of our family vacation this year. That would be pretty boring for you the viewer/reader except for the part where we all agree that my kids are the coolest. No I won't do that to you. However being that this was my family's first real family vacation in 3 years, its worthy of writing a summary of the learning experience I've had over the past weekend. So here's my list of crap to think about next time you are planning a family vacation. I am going to base this assessment with the disclaimer that my kids are younger and have the attention span of most 3 & 5 year olds. In other words they get bored with stuff fast. Also I am assuming you don't have money you can burn on purpose.

1. Go somewhere you can drive - Flying is expensive and while it can open endless possibilities to where you can go, I really don't find the reward of any destination worth the cost and the stress of packing all the stuff in your house for a short period of time. Also in a car, its only you that have to deal with your kids. Its probably not worth angering strangers because your kid all of a sudden doesn't like her headband.


2. Go somewhere with water - A body of water to a kid is like a babysitter you don't have to pay (assuming your kids can swim or have a flotation device - Safety First). This vacation we went down to Southern Missouri around a national hub of washed up Country & Western stars, Branson, MO. Around Branson however, there are several large lakes perfect for all ages. We opted for what is arguably the nicest of them all, Table Rock Lake. By nice I mean a couple things: Clear Water & not a lot of boaters. Is perfect for families who don't want to be around a bunch hoosiers. We also visited White Water in Branson. This was probably the worst body(s) of water we visited. It was expensive and there were way to many people in bikini's that should have been wearing camping tarps instead. The rides were fun but my kids just weren't into them that much so we didn't go on too many of them. Finally, the hidden gem of the water this weekend was the community pool we had access to in our rental house. If we got bored we just packed up the kids and went swimming.
   
   [caption id="attachment_767" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="This is as good as it gets."][/caption]


3. Go with some other families in the same situation - Kids like to play with other kids and adults like to booze with other adults. As long as you can remotely stand the family and their kids, you are golden. The water will fill in the gaps. Luckily we went with 2 other families both with 2 children a piece. It worked out great. The adults we went with are normal people who don't let their kids go bat crap everywhere and the kids are kids that are as socially normal as our kids. It was great. (if you are one of said families reading this, this is how I compliment people. Not the most flattering way I know, but hey be happy you were even mentioned).


4. Stay in one house/condo/structure - This is mostly for the adults. With everyone under one roof, sure you have to live in everyone life, but the boozing when all the kids are asleep is worth it.
   
   [caption id="attachment_768" align="alignnone" width="195" caption="Adult beverages rule!"][/caption]

That's the down and dirty of how to have a fun family vacation. Now go get one in before Summer if over!!!! So like this weekend...

Glory Days Pregame Show

In true Project Manager fashion, John Offered up some Lessons Learned after the weekend.

So this weekend is the 90th anniversary weekend for Sigma Tau Gamma fraternity being founded on the campus of what is now known as Truman State University. This matters to me because I went to Truman State and was in fact a Sig Tau. Depending on where you live you may have never heard of the school, and if you've never heard of the school, chances are you haven't heard of the fraternity.  We aren't very big nationally (as evidenced by the 15 minutes it takes the website to load up) compared to some other houses. In Kirksville, however, we were the first and have always been one of the biggest houses on campus. I'll spare you all quite a bit of intra-fraternity chest beating here and just say... nothing (which is exactly what they would have taught us to say had we believed in hazing, which we didn't, because hazing is wrong).

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="This was the only picture I could find from college."][/caption]

It's been ten years since I've been in Kirksville, and I'm sure a lot has changed (more with my friends and me than with the town, sadly). As I'm beginning to show my maturity and professionalism, I'm going to break the potential for this weekend down with a SWOT Analysis.

Strengths

• I haven't seen a lot of these guys in a long time. Can't wait to catch up and hear how fatherhood has changed the life of the guy who once put a Chevette in the basement of a house or how the guy who used to put vodka in a beer bong is now a doctor.


• I can now afford good beer (which I couldn't do in college). Of course, I'll still be buying Natural Light to remember the good old days, so the strength here is that I'll save some money. I may even spring for bottles.


• I can also afford cabs and hotel rooms now. No more long walks home.

Weaknesses

• I'm fairly certain I'm not cut out for rolling out of bed at 10 am to pull a beer out of the fridge and keep that pace going until 4 am anymore. I'm actually 100 % I'm not. I'm just hoping I don't have one of those terrible drinking days where I take a nap half way through and wake up with a headache just in time for everyone to need taken care of.


• I'm not sure I'm still properly inoculated against whatever strain of e. coli is residing on the TV room couch in the old fraternity house.


• Speaking of a weakened immune system -- and this is tough for a man as pretty as I am to admit -- but in the midst of a month-long battle with Poison Ivy, I'm not looking my best. Some patches are still visible, and I've literally put back on the 15 or 20 solid pounds I've taken off and kept off since college.

Opportunities 

• Kirksville has a super cheap standard of living. In college it wasn't uncommon for 10 of us to be at a bar for 6 hours and have a tab in the $12-$15 range.


• It's entirely possible that some of the 30-40 somethings that travel back up with me will wake up on Sunday morning with rugburns their foreheads. Can't wait to see them try to explain that away at work on Monday.


• If I play my cards right, I can order a George (with Ranch on Sourdough, of course) to eat while in town and take a couple of frozen Ronzas home to share with the kids. I do miss you Pagliai's.

Threats

• I'm hoping for their sake that the bartenders we had when I was up there have moved on. I'm guessing this will mean our bar tabs will be a little more accurate than they used to be when I'd sneak into the kitchen and make everyone sandwiches for the after-party on our way out.


• Last time I visited Kirksville was for a court date I had to attend because the second-to-last time I visited I took one step outside of a bar with a drink still in my hand. Ten years later I may just let the next one go to warrant.

Conclusion

While there are some potential pitfalls, I am really looking forward to seeing some old friends, drinking some beer, and feeling just plumb-god awful on the way home this weekend. My college experiences (almost all of which involved my brothers) are some of my favorites, and it'll be nice to refresh some of those memories.

Here's to thinking we look like this.



When we really look like this.

Easily Amused

So my wife has been out of town with work for a few days. My older sons have been staying with their Grammy and going to Vacation Bible School. That leaves me with a 3-year-old boy and a 22-month-old girl. At the same time, I'm on some steroids to treat a bad patch of poison ivy which also makes me pretty crabby and given to mood swings and insomnia. This week could've gone south in a hurry.

The first morning the kids woke up sans mommy, I knew I'd have to find something to amuse myself just to make it through the week. I settled quickly on dressing them up like fools while their mom was out of town. Mismatched shoes, stripes and polka dots, colors that don't go together. Anyway, it was better than being miserable.


Cooper couldn't even look at himself.


Just keep smiling until Friday.


You better hope Michael and Lucas get to pick out your retirement home.

I know this isn't healthy, but it's pretty harmless. And its a lot cheaper than good Scotch.

A citywide backhanded compliment

St. Louis was recently named the 11th best place in America to raise a family. I actually found this a little offensive.

Being a transplant to this fair city -- I originally grew up in Northeast Ohio. Lebron wasn't the first person to get out while the getting was good -- I don't bring all of the home-town bias most metropolitan area residents bring with them to the city. I'll spare you all my detailed rant on why St. Louis isn't quite as great as everyone here seems to think it is, I'm just content that all of the World's Fair talk has died down now that it's been more than a century since it was here. Just because I don't think St. Louis is the end-all, be-all of towns doesn't mean, however,  that I like someone calling the place I raise my kids a great place to raise my kids.

To me, calling somewhere a nice place to raise kids is an outright insult. It's on par with saying someone is a nice guy or that a girl has a good personality. None of those things are bad. You'd hope that a guy  is a nice guy or that a girl has a good personality or that your city is a great place to raise kids. You just don't want that to be a defining characteristic. Because that means they are boring. If someone is awesome you don't call him or her nice, you call him or her awesome. If a city rocks, you don't say it's a nice place to raise kids. New York rocks. Boston rocks. San Diego rocks. No one has ever said those were great places to raise kids. They say awesome things about them.

I recognize this list was put together as a means to drive web traffic or sell magazines, but I seriously doubt its accuracy. State's Exhibit A - Washington, D.C. is the number one place to raise kids. I'm not sure if they are talking about the Washington that once had a crack-head mayor, the Washington full of powerful men who like to tweet their junk, or the Washington that used to always have the second highest murder rate (behind of course East St. Louis).  State's Exhibit B , we were number 2 on this list just last fall, which was really like being number 2 on the number 2 list. That must have been a quick turnaround. Nonetheless, it really rubs me the wrong way.

St. Louis, I think it is time for us to stand up and be something more than "a great place to raise kids (because nothing good or bad ever happens here)" or "a great baseball town (because there isn't anything else to do)" and give ourselves SOME sort of identity. Everyone hear thinks we've given Toasted Ravioli and thin-crust pizza to the world, but no one outside of the bi-state area has ever heard of them (or would eat them if they had). People have heard of the Arch. That's it.

I don't have all of the solutions right now. Maybe we try to get The Hangover 3 be filmed here and actually have it be funny. Maybe nobody wears pants to work next Tuesday (unless you are a "nice" or have a "good personality" -- then you should probably keep your pants on). Maybe we divert the commercial traffic from the Mississippi and make it one big "Fifth Coast" beach party. Whatever we do, we'd better do something fast, or all of our kids are gonna move away once they grow up and no one will be left to hear us talk about how awesome it was when Poison and Motley Crue used to come to town every summer.

Stay classy, San Diego

Here's the transcript of a conversation I had while I was in San Diego for the first time last week.

Me: Wow, this hotel is gorgeous. Did you know that when you ask for a wake-up call they offer to bring you coffee and fresh fruit for free?

Other Party 1: I did not know that, but it's pretty cool.

Me: And it is so close to the beach. I walked down there for lunch yesterday and ate fish tacos and watched people surf.

Other Party 1: Yep, the beach is close and it's amazing.

Me: Yeah, I spent a week at a Cancun resort and it wasn't anything like this. FYI, the whole Fish Taco/surfer voyeur thing has always been my Pacific Coast fantasy.

Other Party 1: OK, that's pushing creepy, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. Please excuse me while I was away hep-ly..

Me: And it is gorgeous. This morning it was foggy and pushing the limits of chilly, but not "uncomfortable"-chilly, just sort of "I recognize some people would consider this chilly"- chilly.

Other Party 2: Yeah, people here call this "May Daze" and sometimes "June Gloom" because it's about as bad as the weather gets here.

Me: You people are selfish jerks. You should bask in this all the time.

Other Party 2: Being from here and with nothing in my entire life to be upset about, I'm gonna let that slide.

Me: Even you people are amazing. I haven't seen ANYONE here who even looks gassy, much let upset.

Other Party 2: What can I say? The weather is beautiful, the ocean is beautiful.

Me: And the food is amazing. I tried oysters here the other day for the first time and I nearly wet my pants. I had a Stone IPA and nearly wet my pants. I had 8 more, and I did wet my pants.* Why don't more people move out here?

Other Party 3: People like to visit, but we do have relatively high housing prices.

Me: This is too perfect. You are all vampires, aren't you? And San Diego is nothing but a huge nest to lure people here to visit and then you eat them, isn't it?

Other Party 3: Yes. We've figured out how to live in the sun and not be all stupid like those Twilight jerks. Fortunately for you, this is So Cal and we try to be low-fat, so you should be OK to make it back to the airport.

Me: That's rude, but it's true, and I've been here long enough to relax and take it easy. Can I have another one of those Stone's?

*Note: I didn't actually wet my pants, but if I had I wouldn't have been upset about it. It's literally impossible to not smile the whole time you are there. It's like they put Xanax in the water supply.

This is what a Wake Up call should look like

The All-Inclusive Manifesto

Recently just got back from a trip to Secrets Silversands in Cancun, Mexico (the trip was second best thing I got for Christmas), and I left feeling somewhat conflicted about the experience. As a result, I'm giving myself some rules to live by on my next all-inclusive vacation. Please note that not all of the following points are based on my own behavior.

• I will recognize that "All-Inclusive", for all intents and purposes, means "Largely-Inclusive". Regardless of how much the website and travel agents tell me that tipping is "optional", I will bring a couple hundred bucks in the smallest bills I can find because I don't want to spend all freaking week being the only a-hole standing at the bar dying of thirst while 4 or 5 bartenders somehow manage to not make eye contact with me while I am the only person standing there. I will never again be frustrated by generally appalling service on a trip that cost a couple of thousand dollars just to save a couple of hundred dollars. My principles aren't worth it. Tipping in this case is protecting my investment.


• If I am going to Nair my back (which I really should do; other people have paid to come here and see nature at its finest), I will be fully prepared to itch like a mofo when the hair starts growing back in through my peeling sunburn.


• When I first book my trip, I will do some sort of little upgrade. I will pay the extra $200 to be a member of the "preferred club" or to have a swim-out or an ocean-view or something. The way it works is, nobody pays for all of that stuff, so in order to have enough room for everyone they have to bump some people up. They start bumping by who has already paid the most. Not paying anything extra really hurts my chances at a free upgrade.


• I will use the Do Not Disturb sign. Literally like 7 staff members will come to my room every day. They come to clean the room. They come to bring a paper. They come to stock the mini-bar. They come to stock the coffee and snacks. They come to make sure they didn't miss anything when they stocked the mini-bar. They come to turn down my bed. Oddly, they never seem to come when I am at dinner, or even within 15 minutes of each other. I am on vacation. I may want to... take a nap... or something...  that I don't want anyone walking in on. I will use the Do Not Disturb sign. Especially on my birthday.


• I won't spring for the romantic dinner on the beach. It's nice, but not $200 nice, and the food is cooked by the exact same hands that cook the free food. Instead, I will put on some linen pants, order some room service and sit on my ocean-view patio to eat it, then walk down to the beach.


• In certain locales, it is perfectly acceptable (encouraged in fact) to avoid unsightly tan lines. I won't get caught looking and ruin it for everybody.


• I realize I came to an all-inclusive to not spend extra money. That said, taking a day trip to someplace like this might be the highlight of my trip. Not all day trips are worth it (this one was really expensive, but awesome) but I might want to at least LOOK.


• I will spoil myself with a pedicure. I'm not even gonna blame it on my wife. My tootsies deserve it.


• I will leave myself lots of time to check out on the last day, especially if I have charged anything to my room. I recognize that some people will smile at me, tell me my coupons were applied, charge my card in foreign currency, then let me do the math in my head while waiting on my airport shuttle only to realize I was overcharged by like 20% to then have to explain to someone that my coupons really weren't applied and then stand there while my driver (hopefully) looks at his watch while I make everyone late.

Not being one to do all of the work, I've written a few rules for the people I run into when I get back as well.

• When you see me and find out I've been in the tropics. Don't remark on how tan I'm not. You can't expect to overcome years in a cubicle with one week in the sun (under SPF 50 sunscreen).


• Yes, I am aware that is possible to go on vacation and spend approximately 5% what I did. I don't care. I get out about once a decade, and I don't feel like Pricelining my trip and risk ending up in either of these roles.

Hopefully these rules can help you have a great time on your vacation as much as they'll help me. I had a great time, but if I had known then what I know now, it would have been ever better.

Death Flight 2011

Flew from St. Louis to Chicago to Charleston, WV this week, and there were more than a couple of moments that I was less than thrilled about it.

I should probably preface this by saying that I have a knack of working for places that operate in pretty remote locales. My last job was for a healthcare company that served the largely rural portions of Arkansas, Missouri, Kansas, and Oklahoma and I currently work for a coal mining company (and obviously the views in this space are mine and not those of my company yada, yada, yada) which operates largely in Central Appalachia and the Mountain West areas. I actually do typically enjoy the travel (I don't have to do it much, and it’s nice to get out and see how the money gets made), but it typically involves lots of short flights in a row. I'm not what you'd call a nervous flyer. The worst part to me is only having 20 minutes worth of airline magazines to read but 40 minutes of flight time where I can't turn on my electronic devices (note to self: grab a newspaper before flying home), and somehow still not getting the extra special TSA pat down (kidding, mostly).

So, this week I was flying from St. Louis to Charleston, WV via Chicago. Aside from leaving the gate late (which doesn't even qualify as an inconvenience anymore) the first leg was pretty uneventful. From St. Louis to Chicago is literally up and down -- they don't even bother to pretend they are going to serve refreshments.

The second leg, however, started off a little more ominously. We (I was on the trip with a coworker) got to Chicago late, but fortunately our connecting flight was even more late, so we grabbed something to eat at the Chili's Too (do they even have Chili's standalone restaurants anymore? The link I just included would lead me to believe "yes.") which was directly across from our gate. Which had a paper sign (taped to the functioning monitor) that said simply "Charleston, WV" in Sharpie. Good thing we chose that spot, because they started boarding far sooner than they were supposed to. Only through my Herculean efforts was I able to ensure that none of my French fries were left behind; my traveling companions burger was not so lucky.

We then hurried onto the plane so we could be passively aggressively directed ("we'll pull away from the gate as soon as everyone has turned off their electronic devices") in order to rush to the tarmac where we waited for 45 minutes to take off in a torrential downpour. Once in the air, it only got more fun as the captain came on the speaker to warn us that they were going to try to retest some system that wasn't flashing right on the flashy thing in the cockpit, and that if that didn't work out we'd be going back to Chicago to land in the torrential downpour. Then the plane got really loud as it sounded like they were trying to open the bomb bay doors. Immediately after that sound subsided the plane banked strongly to the right, and everyone let out a groan because we were obviously going back to Chicago. Two minutes later the captain came back on and said everything was fine.

As an aside, I've never understood the whole "if something is wrong we're going to fly back and land at where we just took off from" mentality. To me, if we are going to crash, I'd just as soon do it at my destination as opposed to my starting point. If we have a terrible landing in Chicago, it isn't like I'm gonna want to hop on the next plane to Charleston. If we have a terrible landing in Charleston, at least I have two days to get over it before I return home.

After that, things got much better. The <sarcasm>cheery</sarcasm> flight attendant apologized for the rough flight and gave us all free trail mix after assuring us that this was his best flight of the day. Free trail mix cures a lot. Maybe <more sarcasm>I'll start bringing that home when I forget my anniversary</more sarcasm>.

The rest of the evening was pretty unremarkable aside from our luggage being wet and the Mapquest iPhone app sucking. Can't wait to fly back home. Hope it is on American Eagle, again.