Valentine's Day Is Thursday

Here at the Suburban Father Alliance, we like to think of ourselves as above-average husbands. We also like to help out our fellow husbands (hence, the title of this blog post makes no attempt at humor).

Most obnoxious graphic we could find.

When you've been married more than a few years, you have to work a little harder at annual events like Valentine’s Day. A box of chocolates might have been satisfactory when you were in high school. But, for the mother of your children? The woman who puts up with your pathetic attempts at humor? The beautiful face who still kisses you each time you return from a business trip? The cute little nose that has endured years of the world’s worst farts night after night?

Kind of puts it in perspective. She definitely deserves a little more than a box of chocolates this Valentine’s Day. So, what to get her? Here at SFA, we’re always going the extra mile for you. So, we asked each of our significant others for their top three picks in three different categories: gift cards, gifts and special occasion/celebrations (i.e. dinners, outings, etc.). Here’s what they said.

Top Three Gift Cards (Josh)

When I asked Tiffany for her top three gift card suggestions, she came right back with, “Well, for how much?” What? 

“Well, if you’re only going to spend $25, then I’d suggest something different than if you’re going to spend $100.”

Sweet Jesus. I’d never considered that. So, here are her top three gift card suggestions for three different amounts. (And, now I’ll look like a real heel if I don’t spend top dollar. D’oh!)

$25: O.K., you’re a cheapskate. Not a big deal, but you will have to put a little more thought into this. My wife recommends finding a place that she likes, but doesn't necessarily treat herself to on a daily basis. For instance, Starbucks, or maybe Kaldi’s Coffee. (John certainly is a fan.) She likes the double mocha latte with a twist of fanciness, but only splurges a couple times a month? Grab a gift card and let her have a week’s worth of treats. St. Louis Bread is another viable option. Though, it doesn’t have to be food related. Tiffany mentions that Sephora, or her favorite line of makeup, would be another good option.

$50: Now we’re talking a good chunk of cash. For $50, Tiffany recommends a gift card to her favorite retailer. FYI: Tiffany’s is Macy’s. But, she says there’s an ace in the hole if you’re not sure. “I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like Target,” she tells me. And, I thought it was just like Wal-Mart.

Also, Amazon has made it so stupid easy to get a gift card. Just buy one online and its immediately available . Click the link below to show the world of gift cards at Amazon.

Shop Amazon - Holiday Gift Cards - Instant Delivery or Free One-Day Shipping

$100: Alright, big spender. Before you whip out that kind of cash, do us fellow husbands a favor and don’t tell us how much you spent. You’ll just make us feel like jerks. My wife recommends spa services if you’re willing to pony up a C note. She says most of the good stuff, like a back massage, starts around $75. Go the extra yard and figure in a tip. Tiffany’s favorite is Aveda. They have a couple locations in the greater St. Louis area (don't confuse the spa locations for the retail shops). 

Top Three Gifts (Jamie)

If you've come up short on a gift card before (and who hasn't tried a coupon for an "hour of Joey love"*) you may have to bite the bullet and thoughtfully shop for the missus this Valentine's Day.

Make: If you -- wisely -- spent all of the time in your relationship up until now making your wife realize you're inept, it's about to pay off. Almost anything you can make a woman will score you some big time points. Timing projects to holidays isn't only smart, but often you can talk your mate into sharing some of the cost associated with it.

This is not to say that you can half-ass it.You don't have to be great at whittling or backsplashes or even keeping a notebook with a little love note every day for a whole damned year (yep, I'm a big wuss) but you do need to earn an E for "Effort" or you may just find yourself with a C for "Couchsleeping".

Also, it's important that if you do something where in you'll have to tip your hand about what you have in mind you'll still have to come up with a little something to surprise her on that day.

Buy: Have we discussed jewelry yet? Let's. It can be pretty tough to go wrong with jewelry, but it can happen. It has to be expensive enough that she wouldn't buy it at Kohl's to go with a single outfit. If you're going to get her diamond stud earrings but she already has diamond stud earrings, you'll have to go noticeably bigger.

There are a few tricks to do it right. Firstly, try to fill out her collection. Every woman needs a lot of jewelry to round out her collection and to arm her for any evening - look through what she's got, and if she doesn't have red earrings, get her some. No green necklace, buy one. Secondly, if you are going to go for something unique, try to go local. They'll like to have the little story about where a certain piece came from when they get complimented on it. Thirdly, jewelry likes friends. If you buy her a nice necklace, get her a matching (albeit possibly less expensive) bracelet.

Finally, I wouldn't recommend nice jewelry more than once a year, and spread it around the gift-giving holidays or else you'll get dinged for not putting enough thought into it.

The Kiss of Death: As someone who is even able to screw up golf, take my word for it - never buy your wife clothes. Even if they are great. Even if you are 100% sure they fit. Even if she has circled them in a catalog. Never do it. Ever.

Ever.

*Editor's note: Apparently 'Friends' is not adequately archived on YouTube. If you don't already get the reference it looks like you never will.

Top Three Experiences (John)

Dinner

Dinner can be broken down into a couple different categories. Sure you can always make reservations and take her out to eat, but Valentine's Day (much like New Years) is a feeding ground for restaurants to give you a fixed menu and lock you in. Here's how you can avoid that debacle, cook for your significant other. You may end up spending about the same amount as the restaurant but the Status Points you receive from her and her friends will be worth that of 35 dinner outings.

Road Trip

This year V-Day falls close to a weekend. Surprise her & yourself with a road trip to somewhere you've never been. Look at a map and pick a couple spots within a 4-5 hour drive and go for it. If you have kids that are semi normal in the car and can be babysat with a DVD player, bring them along. Let's be honest, if you are married with kids romance has a new perspective. Long gone are the days of roses (they die). But change a poop filled diaper??? That's some sexy stuff. Anyway, where I was going with that was kids can be a great part of your Valentines day and introducing your family to new stuff can be a great way to celebrate.

Nothing
I think this is what my wife will be getting this year... A whole lot of nothing. No kids, no place to be, no rushing, none of that. Just some time to not be a mom and some time to reflect on how awesome of a husband I am without the deafening screams that come from fights about who gets to wear the pink sparkly head band. Peace. And. Quiet. 

There you have it, we just gave you about 95 items you can get for your life partner. Now get shopping NOW so you aren't fumbling like a moron on Thursday morning because you don't have a card.

What we got

Turns out my 11 year old, Michael, missed the memo on getting me iDevices and high fives and landed squarely in the middle. In a moment of "this doesn't sound like a gift, but it's actually an awesome gift," he offered to let me teach him to mow the lawn for Father's Day. Recognizing that this was super-thoughtful and not the norm, I immediately assumed the worst.

Of course by assumed the worst, I don't mean that questioned the motives of my little man. I questioned his butt. As in, I thought "just how stinking far is his 8 pound, 6 ounce caboose gonna be able to push a lawn-mower in 95 degree heat with his spindly arms and his get-that-kid-a-sandwich frame?" as I pictured myself mowing the other 98% of my lawn after his stamina gave out. As they almost always are, my instincts were total crap.

The whole thing was a much sweatier affair than this picture makes it appear.

I spent about ten minutes talking him through the setup (I did pour the gas in myself) and safety ("your siblings appendages won't grow back") and we started mowing. I did the first couple stripes to get him a decent corner to turn in and let the mower stop. Much to my surprise, he was able to start it himself before he started moving. Then he mowed. And mowed. And mowed. And then he mowed the front yard, too. Did he miss a patch here and then? Sure. Did he finish the job with his scrawny little build? Definitely.

So I guess, in the end, the gift wasn't so much the lesson. Or the lawn. Or all of the future lawns (which is AWESOME!). I think the real gift was watching my oldest just impress the living bejeezus out of me by doing way more than I expected he would be able to as a gift to me.

Happy Father's Day.

Birds of War Follow Up

This is going to be a short catch-up post.

Did you know that birds are the rabbits of the skies (and the lions of the skies, and the foxy ladies of the skies - truth be told, not much else owning the skies, so the birds have to shoulder a lot of responsibilities)? And by this I mean they produce multiple sets offspring every year?

A while ago I documented how some had taken control of my old grill, which led to my new grill (which brings me a tremendous amount of happiness), but left me with an oversized bird's nest on my patio? It had been a while, so I assumed those young ones were no longer so young and had moved on. I was wrong. Last night while firing up my new grill, I opened the old one to see if the Birdie McFlyer family had moved on, but there was a new set of gaping maws looking at me. Apparently my sister will have to wait a little longer for her hand-me-down, and I'll have to wait a little longer to have my patio back.

Vermin from above

Humanity vs. Dinner

We here at the Suburban Father Alliance take our grillin' seriously. It's not just about making food -- it's about being manly, providing for our families, taking on the elements. With grillin', like with every other manly pursuit, our tools are important to us. I've been using the same grill for 7 years. It's been through 2 apartments, 2 houses,  9 roommates and approximately 1,500 lbs of dry chicken. I know how long it takes to warm up, I know where the hotspots are, I know how much beer to pour on my veggies to keep them lubed up and not burned.

Unfortunately nature joined forces with the humanity of my wife and kids to prevent a successful 8th barbecue season for me and my grill. On Monday of Memorial Day, I had marinated the pork. I had cut up my veggies. I had my grill potatoes prepped and ready to go. And when I opened the lid to my grill I ran into the wrong hungry mouths.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="374" caption="Oh sure, they start out looking like this."][/caption]

I'm not the sort of man who would burn off a nestful of baby birds just so I could overcook some pork. I will totally admit to at least considering it, but since the family was outside, even if I had wanted to seriously consider it, it just wasn't in the cards. On the plus side, I had just scored a firepit the week before and had some wood in reserve, so I got to go all caveman on it and cook up a monster dinner on some open flames. Actually turned out pretty well. I was an Eagle Scout, dammit.

 

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600" caption="But then they start eating all of our delicious horses."][/caption]

The scorecard at the end of the day? A family of birds have a home for the summer. My sister will probably get an old/new grill at the end of the summer. And a little birdie told me I may be getting a grill upgrade for Father's Day.

Bacon vs. Beef Jerky

I am not sure where this is going, but my business partner mentioned something about Beef Jerky to me on Twitter. Specifically, "A Couple O' Jerk's" Beef Jerky. Which I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of their meat in the mail and will have a full report once it arrives.  Anyway it got me thinking about how much I really enjoy Beefy Jerky in general and how it goes overlooked in my snacking decisions. As I fell farther into my Beef Jerky haze, I went on further to ponder what food to me is most like Beef Jerky and no matter how I compared it, I kept winding up at Bacon. At this point I was so deep in thought and hungry that I start halucinating about a war between Beef Jerky and Bacon and who would win. The more and more I thought about this epic battle I kept thinking that Beef Jerky could actually win. Blasphemy.  Without being able to tell anyone about this battle in my head, I felt that a well thought out blog about the war of all food wars would be appropriate. So, I'd like to take the next few minutes of your life to gather my thoughts and get your opinion. So, in no particular order, here are the contestants in the Cured Meat Battle Royale.

[caption id="attachment_503" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Nobody puts Beef Jerky in the Corner"][/caption]

Pro's

• Tastes Delicious


• Portable


• Affordable


• the most accessible meat product in the world


• Healthy in moderation


• User Friendly no cooking required = no clean up


• A variety of flavors (Teryaki, Spicy, Original, Slim Jim)

Cons

• Not meal-worthy


• Can't wrap other meats with it


• Does not play well with TMJ


• Along with Pork Rinds it might have the most Whiskey Tango association of all foods. I would use the term "Hoosier" here but that term doesn't translate from Missouri to Indiana well.

[caption id="attachment_502" align="aligncenter" width="350" caption="I must Destroy Beefy Jerky"][/caption]

Pro's

• Delicious


• Said to "make everything taste better"


• Smells great (according to me)


• Pairs well with other meats


• Kevin


• Baconian Method


• Transcends the gap between Fast Food and Fine Dining


• Can be used at any meal


• cultural phenomenon

Cons

• Waiting time to cook & eat


• Makes our house stink (according to my wife)


• Messy Clean up


• Kevin


• Not very portable


• Turkey Bacon


• Maple Cured

So there you have it. I am still at a loss at literally pondering over this for a couple hours. It's now time to voice your opinion and let it be known who wins.

[polldaddy poll=5062694]

Pants Make Me Happy

Pants are a staple in every non-clinically insane person's wardrobe. They keep us warm, protect our legs from would be intruders, and in most cases serve as the base for a Man's work wardrobe. Before we dive into this topic much more, I want to distinguish here that when I say "Pants" I mean your khaki-type material 2 legged variety. Anything made of denim are jeans,  & mesh or thick cotton are sweat pants. Also, pants start at the waist and cover the entire leg, not 3/4 of it. They have 4 pockets 2 in front & 2 in back (not cargo pants). They are simple and wonderful.

Until recently, I didn't take much stock into my pants. I had a few here and there and I stayed within the Dockers arena. Dockers are a fine pant indeed, but at the end of the day, I wasn't crazy about them, the weren't flattering and everyone else on the planet (of Metro St. Louis) wears them. They are safe pants. They had served me well before I had lost all my weight because I could find that size 42 waist pretty much anywhere I went, try them on, sulk about being fat, and buy them. And quite frankly when you are fat, you just want to blend in anyway. Which Dockers are great for. Any additional attention would make you seem like you were a fat guy trying to be trendy or cool and that's not what I wanted. I don't want this to sound bad for Dockers, they serve the masses with quality, affordable pants.

So, after the lbs have dropped and I am at a steady size that I'd like to be. I am a new person, more confident, yada yada, yada. I needed to refresh my closet. It has been a slow process for me to upgrade my wardrobe accordingly due to the cost. Shirts are pretty easy for guys, they come in lettered sizes and they have buttons on them. Also I can get away with some of the shirts I already had. However, it has recently come down to getting some new pants and I refused to buy Dockers because I wanted my wardrobe selection to change with my new image. Enter Bonobos.

I was briefly introduced to Bonobos by a friend a few years ago but never bought anything. I completely forgot about them until one off my favorite sites Earndit had a $50 gift card as one of their rewards (and they still do). So I saved up the points and got that Gift Card. Little did I know that gift card would start a small obsession with this company. I went online and bought the The Graham Slackers. It was a good match. The pants fit very well and they have just a small bit of the "hey look at me" that I would shy away from in my fat days. I just bought my second pair this week and I am excited about them. If there's one issue I have with the first pair is that the Length of 32 was a little shorter than what I am used to. I am talking about maybe 1/2 - 3/4 of an inch or so, but not quite enough to test the return policy. They still look good.

So what makes Bonobos different? Here's my opinion. They only exist online. I guess one could go to their NYC office (not retail store) and try stuff on, but I don't think I will get approval to fly to NYC to try on a pair of pants unless Bonobos would foot the bill. So existing online is a cheaper way of doing things for sure, but what if the pants don't fit correctly? Bonobos is crazy about customer service. They will take their pants back for any reason at any time. This security helps a dude in St. Louis feel OK about buying something and not having to deal with the hassle of trying to get a company to accept a return. Also, I have called their "Ninjas" (customer service reps) on a couple of occasions and they are easy to talk to and know their product. Lets be honest, its tough for a guy to call up another guy and ask "Hey whats the inseam length on your "Crabby Shack" shorts?" But its easy with these guys. They just get it. Surprisingly, they really don't do much marketing that I have seen outside of the web. It seems they rely on word of mouth more than anything. Finally, their customers can get referral bonuses for sending people to buy stuff. I would want to work for these guys based on the quality of their product and their business model. Unfortunately the Mid-West is not known as a fashion hub. So the best I can hope for is they want to use my basement to store product.

I am giving Company a rating of A Little Bit of Italy & the Pants the rating of Amighetti's Special (only because of the length issue) from our sandwich scale. This is a pretty impressive 1, 2 punch.

So anyway, you should go check these guys out, do it, buy the pants. Also use this link so I can get some referral love from them:

http://www.bonobos.com/invite/shepponis17611

-S

Dude's Guide to Fake Holidays

If you are like me, you haven't bought anything for your wife/girlfriend/partner/whatever for Valentine's Day yet. If you have, your "other" has already hand picked it out and told you to buy it. Sound about right? Well for the majority of us that don't have anything already, didn't pay attention to the clues our wives has subtly dropped since Christmas, and work best under pressure: this post is for you. I am going to attempt to give you some good, last minute gift ideas that you can take care of this weekend.

First off, if you don't pay attention to anything else I say, GET A CARD. Yes its common sense but its overlooked constantly. I think it took me at least 2 years after getting married to understand that no matter what the holiday was that a card goes a long way. Yes, most of them are poorly written and have lots of swirly flowers on them but its the effort that counts. Also, take 5 minutes to actually write something in the card besides your name. Chances are you won't be able to compete with the carefully crafted, sappy poem on the inside, but more than likely your better half isn't going to expect a dissertation on your undying love. Just class it up a little better than this guy. This is easy and is worth more points than you can imagine.

As for gifts, Its probably too late to buy anything online and have it shipped unless you are willing to pay for overnight delivery. Plus, that's too easy. Its about the effort.  So after reading this, get off the computer and hit the pavement.

The gift of Text - I don't care who you are shopping for, but everyone could use a book. Whether your wife likes to cook, decorate, or play Dungeons & Dragons there's a book out there for her. Being that my mother-in-law works for Barnes & Noble, I prefer that store over the others. Also, one of the hottest gifts out there is an eReader. Barnes & Noble has the Nook. It looks awesome and you can have around 10,000 books or magazines at your disposal. Ahem, if any B&N folks are reading this, we would love to review the product for you, ahem.

The gift of Booze - I would like to think I have a good grasp on our demographic here, and I would wager a guess that 95% of you enjoy the devil's brew. So, why not give booze as a gift? I'm not talking about a 6'er of Natty, but a nice bottle of wine or liquor. If you haven't figured out your eternal drinking buddy's favorite bottle, I can't help you. Howeverr there is a win-win scenario for you with this gift. You get to make someone happy (win) and get buzzed (win) at the same time.

The gift of Clean - This one is so simple. Unless you already have a live-in maid, your house is dirty... somewhere. My wife is very particular about how things get cleaned in our house. I have recently been granted my Bathroom badge, but I still can't do the job that she does. That being said, I shed a lot and she gets tired of cleaning. So, if your wife is burnt out on cleaning, call up a maid service and have them get to work. If your house is already clean, her car isn't, guaranteed. Take 20 minutes and run it up to a car wash and be sure to vacuum the inside.

That's 3 easy ideas that will put you in a better position when March Madness (i don't know how to put the copyright symbol here) comes around. Now this being a blog on the internet I couldn't finish this article without giving out at least 1 internet based idea. So, consider this last idea your ace in the hole if you need it.

The gift of Produce - I am legitimately upset I didn't think of this. Fruit My Cube is a weekly service you can sign up for. For $9.99/week you get fresh fruit delivered to your home or office. Its a great way to give someone a year-round reminder of how awesome they are. Disclaimer: this site only services close to St. Louis, MO but I bet there are others like it. If not, you can pay me royalties for giving you the idea for your new business.

Have any other ideas for the Wayward Man? We'd love to hear them in the comments section. This is an alliance after all and we are here to help each other out.

-S