Monday, January 3, 2011

The Greatest Gift Ever Given

Christmas was last week, and as always, I gave a lot of gifts, and received a handful in return, as is the case for daddy's worldwide for any major gift-giving holiday. This Christmas I got two stand out gifts, both from my wife (or I guess maybe technically one from my kids, but those selfish little takers didn't earn the money, didn't wrap the present, and probably didn't even go to the store, so the missus still gets full credit).

The first was a two-person, four-night trip to Mexico some time this spring, which I am really, really looking forward to. She didn't come out and say it, but I'm guessing she expects to be the other person heading south with me (dicey word choice, no?). I'll clarify, and if that isn't the case, I'll hold a twitter comment contest to see who gets to ride along. I can't in good conscience recommend holding your breath.

The second was a pair of sweat pants. That's right. Sweat pants.

Normally I wouldn't get all excited about this sort of thing, but I'm the type of guy who is very tall (almost a 30" inseam) but even wider (a more than 30" waist), so buying any pants is tough, and buying pants with sizes likes size S-M-L-XL usually results in buying shorts or something with enough elastic at the ankle to cut off blood flow.

Well, at the local Tar-ghey, they sell some Champion athletic pants that come in S-M-L-XL sizes for the waist but they also have an inseam measurement. So I could cover my ample butt and still not walk on the heels of my pants. Awesome.

Other key features include:

  • Pockets. Name me one father who doesn't need at least one pocket in every article of clothing he owns and I'll show you a father who carries a man-purse*.

  • They are made out of that good-short material, not that usual track pant material what makes that gawd-awful whipping noise
    when you walk. My kids wear those pants, and I can't stand it.

  • Solid colors, no big logo. I hate that trend where everything has to have some ginormous off-colored logo. Thank you Champion, for staying classy.

  • Comfort. These things are awesome. Just thick enough you can wear them outside as comfortably as jeans in December, and still thin enough to wear around the house without getting your duckbutter running**.

  • Seriously, these things are so comfortable I spent 6 hours Googling diseases I could talk my doctor into diagnosing me with that would allow him to prescribe my wearing them everywhere: work, church, etc. I suppose not being able to find one is the only failing of these pants.

  • They are only like $16.99, which is cheaper than most shorts.

In conclusion, if you are a man who loves pants, or are simply a woman loves a man who needs pants, I can't recommend them enough. I got a pair on Christmas and bought two more pairs the next time I had to do laundry because I seriously couldn't handle the thought of wearing something else during a full wash and dry cycle.

*In all fairness, they are very European.

**We here at the SFA do not condone Googling "duckbutter" from your work computer.


  1. Be afraid...... Be VERY afraid.....

    The third entry, when I googled duckbutter, was "Duck Butter Dip Recipe -" ( )

  2. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by John Shepard, Jamie Oswald. Jamie Oswald said: Best. Pants. Ever. #SFA cc @RunShepRun [...]

  3. I know I should tweet this, and my chances are very slim - but I'll sign up for that trip to Mexico.
    I'll bring some extra pants, if that helps my odds.

    BTW, not everyone is afraid of the 'Vut-vut'. Harry the Ninja loves his vut-vut pants, but then again, it's not his thighs that generate the sound.

  4. Martin, I hope that recipe doesn't call for Vegemite. I can't imagine an axle grease-like substance doing much to mitigate duckbutter.

  5. Skinny punk. I'll toss your name in the hat for Mexico. Of course, my wife may be calling you to find out why I have your hat in a "Mexico" hat when she bought the trip so she is most certainly going and who is this hussy anyway... sorry. I started spiraling there.

  6. Very entertaining article Mr. Oswald. As an employee of Target I am especially pleased to hear you like them so much. I am going to share with some of my fellow employees as well. Keep up the good material bro.

  7. I always like to think of Target as the Rich Man's Wal-Mart and as the Bill Gates's Family Dollar.

  8. But it won't actually be a holiday for the wife if you and her go together.....

  9. I am officially putting in my request for the Suburban Father Alliance Summit to occur in Mexico with the stipulation that we don't buy a timeshare.

  10. I've booked us for one night here in February ( with a breakfast coupon and a late check out to boot.

  11. [...] material 2 legged variety. Anything made of denim are jeans,  & mesh or thick cotton are sweat pants. Also, pants start at the waist and cover the entire leg, not 3/4 of it. They have 4 pockets 2 in [...]

  12. [...] just got back from a trip to Secrets Silversands in Cancun, Mexico (the trip was second best thing I got for Christmas), and I left feeling somewhat conflicted about the experience. As a result, I’m giving myself [...]