Christmas Sucks for Grown Ups

The wife and I really spoiled ourselves this year for Christmas. We spent close to $1,000 on gifts for each other.

Anyone care to guess what we got each other? If you guessed an Xbox One, a Coach purse and designer boots, you’re dead wrong.

Nope, we lavished ourselves with a new set of tires for our Nissan Sentra. A gorgeous new garbage disposal. And, tomorrow, the overhead door repairman is coming to install a new spring so our garage door can raise and lower again! Merry Christmas indeed!

Four new Cooper tires! Merry Christmas to me. What's worst than having to put new tires on a car? Putting them on a car you want to get rid of.

In all seriousness, a good portion of our Christmas budget was eaten up by these unforeseen expenses. It adds up to this, Christmas sucks when you grow up.

Clark, that there is a Badger 1/2hp disposal. 

The icing on the cake was catching the 24-hour stomach bug on Dec. 23. That threw a huge monkey wrench in our plans. We spent hours preparing the house for a Christmas Day dinner for Tiffany’s family that never happened.

On a good note, Linus didn’t catch the bug. We considered that a huge win considering how much time we spent in the bathroom with fluids spilling forth from our various bodily orifices.

Ahh, to be young again. A week plus off of school, holiday parties with friends, gifts you didn’t have to pay for in reciprocal gifts, dinners you didn’t have to cook, turkeys and hams that didn’t need buying, cleaning that mom and dad took care of. All I want for Christmas next year is a time machine.

In all seriousness, Linus really enjoyed Christmas this year. Next year, the Santa frenzy will be amped up even more. I enjoyed watching him have fun this year. I was especially proud to hear him say “Tank you” after opening a gift.

I hope your holiday season was a little more relaxing. If not, take joy in the folks who are blissfully unaware as to how much work goes into Christmas.

Turkey Rant

Every year about this time I get fed up... with Christmas. You mean the holiday that comes AFTER Thanksgiving and it's not even Thanksgiving yet? Yes, that one. What gets my gravy boiling is the opening of stores on Thanksgiving Day,the most family friendly day of the year. It pulls people away from their families and completely nullifies the entire spirit of the Holidays.

I was at my in-laws last night and the topic came up. See, my Mother-in-law works part-time at Barnes & Noble in a mall. She sees it every year and luckily B&N is closed on Thanksgiving. However, opening the next day at 5am isn't much of a consolation prize for the workers. So during our conversation last night a great point was made by my Mother-in-law. If the customers wouldn't fall for these limited time deals, stores wouldn't have to open. And that was just it... The stores can only be blamed so much for being open, having no morals, and not caring for their employees' families. If consumers wouldn't act like brainless neanderthals when trying to save an extra buck, would the stores be open? And God forbid, what if no one lined up outside a store?

So it got me thinking, Why do people act like complete idiots, disregarding family, budget, and (sometimes) physical well-being to get a "deal"?

• Is it our innate hunter-gatherer make up? Doubtful, we are aren't getting a deal on a Turkey and our families typically have enough food in the pantry to get by. 
• Do we actually need what we are buying? No. At the end of the day, and if your TV goes out in April, you'll just buy another TV. You won't wait until November.

So what is it? Well, I think it's a bunch of stuff that I'm sure a psychiatrist could better explain, but in lay terms, it comes to two things:

1. Some people strive on competition. They have to be the best of the best when it comes to certain things. They live for the rush of beating someone to the finish line, or iPad in this scenario. If they could just get the same rush from hanging out with loved ones...
2. People like to brag about how much more awesome they think they are than you. So, while you were schlepping it and playing cards with your family after Thanksgiving dinner, somebody way cooler than you was out getting a deal on a Kindle and will then have no problems posting it on Facebook to prove their awesomeness.

So there you have it. If I offended anyone by suggesting that spending time away from your family and in-turn making people work on your behalf is a bad thing, so be it and enjoy your new TV.

Christmas Movie Countdown: Christmas Vacation

Well folks you have endured an entire week of posts from us. I know, I know we are awesome. 6 posts in 6 days? Unheard of.

But back to business and in the words of Casey Kasem "...and back to the countdown."

With this being the final post before Christmas we thought we would save the best for last. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is not only the funniest Christmas movie out there, but can hold its own as one of the great comedies of all time. It is simple, wonderful, slapstick comedic genius with a cast of funny MF'ers. Chevy Chase's role of a dim witted father blinded with visions of holiday grandeur is spot on. His delivery of jokes is superb and should be studied by scholars or teenagers for years to come. However, no one can argue that this movie's main draw is Cousin Eddie. While he is featured in the other "Vacation" Movies (minus European Vacation), this is his moment in the sun. I really don't think you could paint a better portrait of what distant hoosier relatives look like than this:

Bingo!

So, mix in Cousin Eddie, Clark, and a number of other wonder characters you have what makes to be the most heavily quoted, laughed-at-hysterically holiday movie of all time. In fact, I am pretty sure while I am writing this on 12/23/11 this movie is on TV somewhere and is supplying joy and cheer to someone with cable (probably on TBS).

Today's Honorable Mention goes to Die Hard. If the movie above wasn't enough for comedic one-liners, Die Hard does not disappoint with Tough-Guy phrases none more than "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker." It also introduces us to one of the more bad arse cops in movie history, John McClane who goes on in other Die Hard movies to kill lots of people. Finally I can't leave this out but what was it about the late 80's movies and their distaste for foreign people (mainly Russians and in this case Germans).


We thank you all for reading this week and on behalf of Jamie and me we wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and thank you tremendously for your readership. The only better gift you could give to us than reading this blog is large sums of money or free electronics and clothing.

Christmas Movie Countdown: Scrooged

So I love this movie. It is probably because anything that Bill Murray touches is brilliant, but the premise is that of Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol." Frank Cross (Murray) is a TV Exec and is a complete a-hole driven by money with no care for those around them. Yes the premise has been done before but Murray makes this movie awesome. His ability to deliver dry witted callous remarks is tremendous in this movie. His mullet is also tremendous.

There isn't much more to say on this because Bill Murray is awesome. So lucky for you some dude on the internet compiled the top 10 moments from the movie. Enjoy.

Ok so for today's Honorable Mention we are going with It's a Wonderful Life. It supposed to be THE Christmas movie and I am sure it's been review at least 200 times a year since it was made in 1946. That is like a thousand reviews or something. So I will spare you the details and just say that "When a bell rings an angel gets its wings." Profound.

Christmas Movie Countdown: A Christmas Story

Welcome to yet another entry in our Suburban Father Christmas Movie Countdown. We've already talked about Elf, and today's entry is A Christmas Story.

Everyone has their own favorite scene from this 1983 classic, but our favorite thing about the movie is how the film manages to convey the entire adolescent experience. The following themes are presented by Ralphie, et al,  in a tight 94 minutes.

• Sexuality. This was a little before our time, but it seemed like the leg lamp was the Sears catalog and a Madonna video all rolled into one.
• Male bonding. FUDGE.
• Bullying. The boys, terrorized for years by an idiot in a coonskin cap, finally get back their dignity when Ralphie rages out.
• Interpersonal relationships. Flag. Pole. Licker.
• Disenfranchisement. If the nasty elves didn't do it, the reminder to drink more ovaltine sure did.
• Crime and punishment. We still fear soap blindness.
• Small arms safety. He did damn near shoot his eye out. 

In the end, this nostalgic tale does a great job of giving people something to relate to. Making a timeless period piece isn't easily done, but the Pink Nightmare came through to the point that the house used in filming has been turned into a museum. We leave you with a collection of memorable clips (Youtube sort of let us down, but it'll do).

Today's honorable mention (a film we don't have time to flesh out) is Trading Places. It seems that for this committee a drunk Dan Akroyd in a Santa suit trying to kill Eddie Murphy does not a Christmas movie make.

Christmas Movie Countdown: Elf

We'll start the list of great Christmas movies off with Elf. Unlike my conspirator on here I have seen the movie. So with that, I have the street cred to review it. Elf while recently released in 2003 was an instant classic. A movie with Will Ferrell dressed up as an kind of mythical creature is worth the price of admission. However this movie has a lot more to offer. The story is that of Buddy the Elf (Will Ferrell) and how he set out in search of his real father (James Kaan) after 30 years of being raised by Santa and his elves in the North Pole. He treks from the North Pole to NYC and the movie shapes up from there. He meets a pretty attractive/fantastic singer named Jovie (Zooey Deschanel) along the way and everyone is happy in the end.

I probably didn't do the movie too much justice but I am really having an issue reviewing a movie that is 8 years old and that 95% of you have probably already seen. I can tell you that my kids love the movie. They think Buddy is great and they learned the words to "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" from this movie. Also, I have convinced them that I know Buddy the Elf personally and will call him to relay messages about what they want for Christmas or if they are misbehaving. Its really a nice break in the day from threatening Santa all the time.

Not all movies can be that great. So we are also instituting a Horrible Mention for every post. Today's is Polar Express. The movie is about a doubting boy who gets on a train and then with the help of Tom Hanks believes in Santa. I don't know why I don't like this movie outside of the fact that it boring and it looks like a really bad video game. Oh wait, now I know why I don't like it...

Ok so tune in tomorrow and we will have some more magical BS coming your way.

Christmas Movie Countdown: The Ref

We hope you've been enjoying our Christmas Movie Countdown so far (check out our thoughts on Elf, A Christmas Story, and Scrooged). Now it's time to enjoy the more dysfunctional side of the holidays and look into 1994's largely forgotten The Ref.

Why is this movie largely forgotten? We're not sure. It has all of the elements of a classic 1990's era Christmas story. No-good hoodlum son home from military school for the holidays? Check. Hateful, dim-witted family members at each other's throats? Check. Bungling cops? Check. Former stand-up comedian trying desperately to finagle a film career? Check.

This movie did actually make use of every one of Denis Leary's considerable talents. He was snarky. He smoked. He smoked snarkily. You watch a movie like this and for a moment remember when we all thought Denis Leary was going to rule the world. And then we realized that no matter what, he could really only play one character: Denis Leary. To be fair, Denis is, and was, a very funny character, but he's probably best left to playing a crook who breaks into the middle of a dysfunctional family holiday and ends up salvaging everything. Unfortunately, he already made that movie, so we're pretty much done with him now.

This film actually had a great cast all around that included a pre-The Usual Suspects Kevin Spacey, who was pretty damned good. And the wife/mom? She's actually Australian. But she doesn't sound Australian. How is that even possible?

In the end, the film isn't challenging, it isn't dangerous, it isn't unpredictable, but you know exactly what you are getting yourself into, and it is a lot of fun.

Today's honorable mention movie is Bad Santa. The mom from Gilmore Girls making "requests" of Billy Bob Thornton isn't nearly enough to make us forget that it's still Billy Bob Thornton playing a miserable alcoholic who aspires to be a marginally-less miserable alcoholic, and we still can't forgive him for giving up on Angelina, weirdo that she may have been.

The week ahead

Seasons Greetings. We here at the SFA are working to make your holidays brighter one half-arsed blog post at a time. Through a IM session between Jamie and me we have decided you our reading public would really like to hear our reviews on Christmas movies that were released years ago. We also determined that Top 5 or Top 10 lists are kind of dumb, and would only take up 1 post. We need to stretch this out as long as possible so we don't have to write about other crap.

However if we are going to do this right, we need to get out as many reviews as possible before Santa arrives. So starting Monday and throughout the week you can expect some literary gold on movies you have probably watched already this holiday season.

Now while I should end the post right there, I am going to forge on because I am just that great. What I'd like to do is offer some wisdom or nuggets (apparently with a theme of "butthole") to think about while leading up to the Big Baby J's birthday.

1. Remember what the Holiday is about. No I am not going to get all Catholic on you, but remember its the season of giving. So don't be a butthole this week.
2. If other people are being buttholes, take it with a grain of salt and totally get back at them in March (but not too close to Easter).
3. Spend some extra time with your kids and teach them how to be grateful for what they already have (read: Not Buttholes). Let them know and appreciate that other kids aren't as lucky and could not be getting anything for Christmas.
4. If you haven't started the tradition, I cannot suggest enough the Elf on the Shelf. We have had some fun times with that elf (Jingle Bells) and my kids look forward to seeing what that tricky little butthole has been up to the previous night.
5. Buy an ornament every year and put the year on it. It may seem pretty dumb right now but 20 years from now, It will be pretty cool to look back and remember that year of Christmas. My wife still has ornaments from the year she was born and I think its pretty incredible. And not to brag too much on my ornament collection, but I have a Willie McGee Jersey & Spuds McKenzie.

That's it. Looking forward to having your virtual faces staring at our poorly written blogs this week.

• Elf
• A Christmas Story
• Scrooged
• The Ref
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Christmas Cards

I don't really get "into" Christmas. My wife does, God bless her. From the beginning of October she's constantly abuzz, switching the house (and the kids) from Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Me? I won't even help with decorations. Oh sure, I'll bring the boxes up from the basement, and I'll carry them back down, but aside from hanging 3 ornaments up one year, and helping with an occasional gift or two, I'm sort of scrooge-ish.

The exception? Christmas cards. I really enjoy a good Christmas card. I like the ones that show the whole family -- there's nothing worse than putting a card on the mantel and looking at some kids you don't recognize for a month because their parents were too insecure to be photographed themselves.

Because I enjoy Christmas cards, and because I get bored easily, I floated an idea past the wife that she actually jumped all over: non-boring Christmas cards. Nothing flashy, nothing obscene, but we decided then and there that the whole family would be on it every year, and every year we'd have a different shtick.

Our first year we came out with what is probably my favorite to date, the Pirate Card.

The next year we celebrated my favorite collegiate sports team, the Buckeyes of the Ohio State.

Last year we put my mad photoshop skills to the test and came up with this realistic looking card.

And this year we gave ourselves an excuse to buy me some footie pajamas.

When the kids get a little older we'll probably let them toss some ideas out there, too. I personally can't wait for the Disney Princess Christmas card. 

To see some of our more recent Christmas Cards, please visit this update.

The Greatest Gift Ever Given

Christmas was last week, and as always, I gave a lot of gifts, and received a handful in return, as is the case for daddy's worldwide for any major gift-giving holiday. This Christmas I got two stand out gifts, both from my wife (or I guess maybe technically one from my kids, but those selfish little takers didn't earn the money, didn't wrap the present, and probably didn't even go to the store, so the missus still gets full credit).

The first was a two-person, four-night trip to Mexico some time this spring, which I am really, really looking forward to. She didn't come out and say it, but I'm guessing she expects to be the other person heading south with me (dicey word choice, no?). I'll clarify, and if that isn't the case, I'll hold a twitter comment contest to see who gets to ride along. I can't in good conscience recommend holding your breath.

The second was a pair of sweat pants. That's right. Sweat pants.

Normally I wouldn't get all excited about this sort of thing, but I'm the type of guy who is very tall (almost a 30" inseam) but even wider (a more than 30" waist), so buying any pants is tough, and buying pants with sizes likes size S-M-L-XL usually results in buying shorts or something with enough elastic at the ankle to cut off blood flow.

Well, at the local Tar-ghey, they sell some Champion athletic pants that come in S-M-L-XL sizes for the waist but they also have an inseam measurement. So I could cover my ample butt and still not walk on the heels of my pants. Awesome.

Other key features include:

• Pockets. Name me one father who doesn't need at least one pocket in every article of clothing he owns and I'll show you a father who carries a man-purse*.


• They are made out of that good-short material, not that usual track pant material what makes that gawd-awful whipping noise
  when you walk. My kids wear those pants, and I can't stand it.


• Solid colors, no big logo. I hate that trend where everything has to have some ginormous off-colored logo. Thank you Champion, for staying classy.


• Comfort. These things are awesome. Just thick enough you can wear them outside as comfortably as jeans in December, and still thin enough to wear around the house without getting your duckbutter running**.


• Seriously, these things are so comfortable I spent 6 hours Googling diseases I could talk my doctor into diagnosing me with that would allow him to prescribe my wearing them everywhere: work, church, etc. I suppose not being able to find one is the only failing of these pants.


• They are only like $16.99, which is cheaper than most shorts.

In conclusion, if you are a man who loves pants, or are simply a woman loves a man who needs pants, I can't recommend them enough. I got a pair on Christmas and bought two more pairs the next time I had to do laundry because I seriously couldn't handle the thought of wearing something else during a full wash and dry cycle.

*In all fairness, they are very European.

**We here at the SFA do not condone Googling "duckbutter" from your work computer.

The Charity Episode

So I mentioned to my mom that I had a few blogs the other day (oh, you didn't know? I also blog internally at work, on the SAP Community Network, and for the Americas SAP User Group - membership required - and yes, I'm hilarious and good looking on all of them) and she asked me to share some easy charity links with all of you. So, as a Christmas gift to my mom, I strongly encourage you to go answer trivia questions (which is awesome anyway) and help raise food for people, dogs, cats, and little people. I don't even like cats. Merry Christmas, Mom. My other gift to her? Never giving her the link to this site.

As part of the thoroughly-exhaustive (and redundantly-restated) fact-checking that each of our posts goes through, I'll have you know that I snoped at least one of those links, and it was indeed legit. So clicking through any or all of those sites on a daily basis could, with no cost to you, help feed things. And things are hungry this time of year.

There are also lots of charities that are happy to take your money and not just your sweet trivia knowledge. The Missouri Attorney General has been kind enough to put together a list of those that are least likely to use your money for things you'd expect them to. If you are going to consider donating to those charities, might I recommend instead making my Christmas a little brighter? I promise that 100% of any donations given to us will be spent on us. Other good ways to waste your money? Burn it, flush it, or buy a Randy Moss jersey. From pretty much any team he goes to for a 3 or 4 month stint.

Really, though, most charities are upstanding corporate citizens who like to help people (or dogs or stupid cats). Like this one I built a dashboard for, the United Way which helps route money to reputable charities (but which has never once asked me to build them anything sweet), or Mid-America Transplant Services which helps people with organ donations. Do you have a favorite charity? Feel free to post it in the comments below.

Happy Holidays. Now go spread a little cheer, would ya?

Christmas is Killing My Turkey

This year more than any other in the past I’ve been kicked in the nuts with more Christmas than I can handle. As I write this I should be excited for one of my favorite holidays, but I feel like it’s already an afterthought and this infuriates me off.

Thanksgiving is one of the greatest holidays of the year (better than Christmas but not as great as St. Patty’s Day). It is all about Family, Friends, Food, & Football. I can remember as a kid playing football with my family at my Grandparent's or eating obscene amounts of food at my Aunt's. I always looked forward to Thanksgiving because it meant that I didn't have to do jack until the following Monday. This year that awesome feeling of anticipation has changed a lot. I am being bombarded with what seems like death threats to get out and shop on Black Friday. Not by my wife either, its the global retail courtesans that are destroying the thrill for me.

As you will get to know me on this site I’m not against retail shopping in the least. In fact I probably enjoy it more than the normal guy, but the way the retail outlets are spewing it on me around every corner is making me reconsider my affection towards it. I get the fact that the economy needs stimulating, but there’s got to be a better way than the harlotry that is taking place on my television and radio. Oh yeah, the radio. One local radio station started getting into the act 2 weeks ago by playing 24x7 Christmas music. Already? I just don’t get it. I don't get why "they" believe that creating the season earlier is going to work for them, and I don't get why I am all up in arms about it this year either.

However, I am going to fight it . I am making it a point to procrastinate as much as possible when it comes to holiday shopping. This isn't a stretch for me anyway but at least I have solid reasoning behind it. I encourage you to put this off as long as you can without having to sleep on the couch. So, in the last remaining days before Thanksgiving, and hell maybe even a day or two after, can we all forget about getting some awesome deal on a toaster or the most technologically advanced TV? Just enjoy the people you are around on a holiday that doesn't care about presents, and eat like its your last meal.