Turkey Rant

Every year about this time I get fed up... with Christmas. You mean the holiday that comes AFTER Thanksgiving and it's not even Thanksgiving yet? Yes, that one. What gets my gravy boiling is the opening of stores on Thanksgiving Day,the most family friendly day of the year. It pulls people away from their families and completely nullifies the entire spirit of the Holidays.

I was at my in-laws last night and the topic came up. See, my Mother-in-law works part-time at Barnes & Noble in a mall. She sees it every year and luckily B&N is closed on Thanksgiving. However, opening the next day at 5am isn't much of a consolation prize for the workers. So during our conversation last night a great point was made by my Mother-in-law. If the customers wouldn't fall for these limited time deals, stores wouldn't have to open. And that was just it... The stores can only be blamed so much for being open, having no morals, and not caring for their employees' families. If consumers wouldn't act like brainless neanderthals when trying to save an extra buck, would the stores be open? And God forbid, what if no one lined up outside a store?

So it got me thinking, Why do people act like complete idiots, disregarding family, budget, and (sometimes) physical well-being to get a "deal"?

• Is it our innate hunter-gatherer make up? Doubtful, we are aren't getting a deal on a Turkey and our families typically have enough food in the pantry to get by. 
• Do we actually need what we are buying? No. At the end of the day, and if your TV goes out in April, you'll just buy another TV. You won't wait until November.

So what is it? Well, I think it's a bunch of stuff that I'm sure a psychiatrist could better explain, but in lay terms, it comes to two things:

1. Some people strive on competition. They have to be the best of the best when it comes to certain things. They live for the rush of beating someone to the finish line, or iPad in this scenario. If they could just get the same rush from hanging out with loved ones...
2. People like to brag about how much more awesome they think they are than you. So, while you were schlepping it and playing cards with your family after Thanksgiving dinner, somebody way cooler than you was out getting a deal on a Kindle and will then have no problems posting it on Facebook to prove their awesomeness.

So there you have it. If I offended anyone by suggesting that spending time away from your family and in-turn making people work on your behalf is a bad thing, so be it and enjoy your new TV.

Who cares about last week?

Last week the nation celebrated the age old tradition of Thanksgiving. A day known for laying around, eating until you pass out, and yelling at your brother-in-law for his bad life decisions. It is one of my favorite holidays on Earth but who else really cares about it? I wrote this article last year and apparently America didn't listen to me because this year the retail chains were at it even worse than last. So with that I will refuse to link to these retailers in this article because they are destroying my favorite Holiday by creating a false sense of urgency for people to leave their families and spend money.

What I found this year was just terrible. Stores opening as early as 10pm on Thanksgiving Day or at Midnight on Friday. I think they have really lost their soul. It's one thing to schedule your workers to work these hours, at least they are getting paid. But when they create a competitive atmosphere for consumers, getting them out of their homes and away from their families on arguably the most family-oriented holiday there is, it rubs me raw. Yes it is at Midnight and kids are typically sleeping, but did mommy or daddy have to leave the party early so they could sleep for 2 hours before they went and tried to buy a TV? What also chaps my arse is that this year (I haven't seen it in previous years) is retailers were posting store maps so people could plan their attack throughout the store and on other consumers that got in their way. I mean how easy are they going to make it, at least let these people find the deals on their own.

Ok I am almost done venting, but before I quit, I would just like to urge you as a consumer to stop this BS and feeding the Walmarts of the world. YOU are the customer and YOU should be able to call the shots. Not the other way around. And who really gives a crap in 3 years that your broken TV cost you $300 instead of $600? Its still broken. Family is what matters on holidays, not cheap stuff.

So, with that and seeing how well our blog gets read by America, here's my predictions for next years Black Friday Retail Hooker-a-thon.

1. Walmart opens at 8:30pm offers pumpkin pie so you can just eat dessert in the store. It does go oh so well with pepper spray.
2. Target offers a Wake-Up Call service to ensure you are out of bed in enough time to shower and look your best when you tackle that beotch for taking the last electric smoker. 
3. Lowe's will build a new house for the first person in America that buys more than $2500 of light bulbs on Black Friday.
4. While I have no experience with BJ's Wholesale Club, they will offer their namesake to the first 30 people that buy a pre-lit Christmas Tree. Sorry I went there.
5. Kmart will pay their workers in kitchen gadgets and tube socks for working extended holiday hours.

Ok that's it. Stop buying into this crap will ya?

The Greatest Gift Ever Given

Christmas was last week, and as always, I gave a lot of gifts, and received a handful in return, as is the case for daddy's worldwide for any major gift-giving holiday. This Christmas I got two stand out gifts, both from my wife (or I guess maybe technically one from my kids, but those selfish little takers didn't earn the money, didn't wrap the present, and probably didn't even go to the store, so the missus still gets full credit).

The first was a two-person, four-night trip to Mexico some time this spring, which I am really, really looking forward to. She didn't come out and say it, but I'm guessing she expects to be the other person heading south with me (dicey word choice, no?). I'll clarify, and if that isn't the case, I'll hold a twitter comment contest to see who gets to ride along. I can't in good conscience recommend holding your breath.

The second was a pair of sweat pants. That's right. Sweat pants.

Normally I wouldn't get all excited about this sort of thing, but I'm the type of guy who is very tall (almost a 30" inseam) but even wider (a more than 30" waist), so buying any pants is tough, and buying pants with sizes likes size S-M-L-XL usually results in buying shorts or something with enough elastic at the ankle to cut off blood flow.

Well, at the local Tar-ghey, they sell some Champion athletic pants that come in S-M-L-XL sizes for the waist but they also have an inseam measurement. So I could cover my ample butt and still not walk on the heels of my pants. Awesome.

Other key features include:

• Pockets. Name me one father who doesn't need at least one pocket in every article of clothing he owns and I'll show you a father who carries a man-purse*.


• They are made out of that good-short material, not that usual track pant material what makes that gawd-awful whipping noise
  when you walk. My kids wear those pants, and I can't stand it.


• Solid colors, no big logo. I hate that trend where everything has to have some ginormous off-colored logo. Thank you Champion, for staying classy.


• Comfort. These things are awesome. Just thick enough you can wear them outside as comfortably as jeans in December, and still thin enough to wear around the house without getting your duckbutter running**.


• Seriously, these things are so comfortable I spent 6 hours Googling diseases I could talk my doctor into diagnosing me with that would allow him to prescribe my wearing them everywhere: work, church, etc. I suppose not being able to find one is the only failing of these pants.


• They are only like $16.99, which is cheaper than most shorts.

In conclusion, if you are a man who loves pants, or are simply a woman loves a man who needs pants, I can't recommend them enough. I got a pair on Christmas and bought two more pairs the next time I had to do laundry because I seriously couldn't handle the thought of wearing something else during a full wash and dry cycle.

*In all fairness, they are very European.

**We here at the SFA do not condone Googling "duckbutter" from your work computer.

Christmas is Killing My Turkey

This year more than any other in the past I’ve been kicked in the nuts with more Christmas than I can handle. As I write this I should be excited for one of my favorite holidays, but I feel like it’s already an afterthought and this infuriates me off.

Thanksgiving is one of the greatest holidays of the year (better than Christmas but not as great as St. Patty’s Day). It is all about Family, Friends, Food, & Football. I can remember as a kid playing football with my family at my Grandparent's or eating obscene amounts of food at my Aunt's. I always looked forward to Thanksgiving because it meant that I didn't have to do jack until the following Monday. This year that awesome feeling of anticipation has changed a lot. I am being bombarded with what seems like death threats to get out and shop on Black Friday. Not by my wife either, its the global retail courtesans that are destroying the thrill for me.

As you will get to know me on this site I’m not against retail shopping in the least. In fact I probably enjoy it more than the normal guy, but the way the retail outlets are spewing it on me around every corner is making me reconsider my affection towards it. I get the fact that the economy needs stimulating, but there’s got to be a better way than the harlotry that is taking place on my television and radio. Oh yeah, the radio. One local radio station started getting into the act 2 weeks ago by playing 24x7 Christmas music. Already? I just don’t get it. I don't get why "they" believe that creating the season earlier is going to work for them, and I don't get why I am all up in arms about it this year either.

However, I am going to fight it . I am making it a point to procrastinate as much as possible when it comes to holiday shopping. This isn't a stretch for me anyway but at least I have solid reasoning behind it. I encourage you to put this off as long as you can without having to sleep on the couch. So, in the last remaining days before Thanksgiving, and hell maybe even a day or two after, can we all forget about getting some awesome deal on a toaster or the most technologically advanced TV? Just enjoy the people you are around on a holiday that doesn't care about presents, and eat like its your last meal.